Read The Craigslist Ads For Katy Perry’s ‘Birthday’ Alter Egos

Would you hire Goldie the Dancer? Read her ad here.

We’ve all seen Katy Perry‘s new video for “Birthday” by now, and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: Where the heck can we hire all those fantastic birthday entertainers? We want our parties to be just as jammin’ as the ones KP crashed!

Lucky for you, we here at MTV News are known for our digging skills, and have spent hours scouring Craigslist to bring you the (imagined) original pitch ads for Goldie, Kriss and more. Check them out, as well as hype posters (courtesy of Perry’s Twitter) for each entertainment professional.

Klown 4 Hire — $40/hr
experienced brtdy clown here to make you laugh and your kids faces light up like beacons of joy i am very funny and love to make kids laugh. willing to do sack races, balloon art, laughter kriss the Clown will make your party so much fun
pay is $40 per hour please note no clown license must sign wiaver and provide cake
email krissclwn@yahoo.com

L@@K: PRINCESS MANDEE HERE TO SPARKLE 4 U
If u w@nt your special princess birthday party to really sparkle stop looking right now than PRINCESS MANDEE right here for all every fairytale you have! ~~**~*
I will paint ur face with authentic real CVS makeup and make all your babies look like beauty queens ok look at my instagram for example of my work and inner ^v^charisma^v^ ;-P
Tweet me @mandeerogersakalil_prncessmandee 4 rates no fire signs lol xo

.¸¸.?´¯`♥”If u can’t handle me at my worst then u sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” MARILEN MONROE ♥.¸¸.?´¯`

Your Kids Are Animals Just Kidding I Have Animals Haha Hire Me For Your Birthday
Hey kids! Do you love animals! I love animals! You’ll love my animals! Happy birthday but happier with my animals!
I’ll bring you goats, mice, snakes, anything you want I can find it. I know a guy with a horse! You want to ride a horse? It’s your birthday! You get a horse! Ride a horse! I’ll let you ride a horse!
Grab all your friends and I’ll bring you animals! You may remember me from my petting zoo, but now I’m freelance! Thanks Obama! Must sign a waiver! No waiver, no animals!
Tell all your friends, I’m Ace the Animal Guy! To get my animals to you email justaguym4w4u_6969@hotmail.com

***YoSeF wIlL sPiN u RiGhT rOuNd!!! DJ 4 HIRE!***
HEY THERE bar mitzvah boi do you want the sickest party? No cheesy keyboard playing here, just the sickest beats and illest mixes all your homies are gonna go wild for! They’ll be saying oh, who was that, Sam, that was the sickest MC at the raddest bar mitzvah EVER!

iT’S yOSEF.
I’ll drop beats, tell jokes that everyone’s gonna love and help you get your parents off your BACK, man. Just call up your pal Yosef! We’ll have a great time! With DJ Yosef, you’ll show them how the horah is done!
Just challah at your mother and call 867-5309 for details. Mazel tov!
*Due to adult material and references attendees must be 17 or over or have a parent or guardian present. (The Man made me add that.)

I’ll Be Your Golden Girl
Do you know a young fella in need of a pick-me-up? I’m your girl. I’m Goldie, your number one gal for dancerly glee. I’m not just any old broad you could pick up at the sock hop, I’m the real deal. Don’t believe me? Take me out for a spin on that nice set of wheels. If they’re attached to a chair, all the better.
I will go literally anywhere and do anything, provided my bad leg doesn’t cause any problems.
Send inquiries by certified mail to P.O. Box 693.
Must provide handicap access and baby oil. Non-negotiable.