By the time you read this, the 2014 MTV Movie Awards will be over: the trophies dispensed, the house cleared out and the many celebs in attendance off to either celebrate their successes or nurse the wounds of defeat. And if you've taken a peek at the night's final list of winners, you might even think that you know exactly who in Hollywood should be doing a victory dance until dawn.
But you'd be wrong! Because just because somebody took home a Golden Popcorn, that doesn't mean they won the MTV Movie Awards. That's something else entirely! No, there are true winners (and losers for that matter). So who were the actual champions, and who should we seriously feel sorry for?
And The Winners Are:
The Nokia Theatre Stage
Not to toot our own horn, but this may just have been the first-ever appearance of industrial volcano chic at a major awards ceremony, and it looked delightful.
As in, young adult fiction! Whatever your particular tastes — a love story between cancer-stricken teens or one of the ever-popular dystopian dramas — YA was an undeniable winner Sunday. Tris from "Divergent" won Favorite Character, an exclusive new clip from "The Fault in Our Stars" made us feel all the feelings, and "Catching Fire" went home with a win for Movie of the Year.
Of Course, "Divergent"
For a movie not even eligible for nomination until next year's Movie Awards, "Divergent" was quite the star of Sunday night's show. Fans went wild for the arrival of stars Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort and Miles Teller; Tris Prior, the story's heroine, beat out Katniss for Favorite Character; and soundtrack stars Ellie Goulding and Zedd gave a performance that gave us chills for days.
Professor Xavier's fighting mutants weren't up for an award of their own, but considering that we lost our minds no fewer than 13 times during the newly premiered clip, they win.
Twenty One Pilots
A frenzied crowd of masked spring breakers going wild to the sounds of "Car Radio" will have put this band on everyone's radar, which is a win for them and for you.
For doing what everyone in the audience wanted to, but couldn't. Girl, you win EVERYTHING.
All The Ageless Men
Mark Wahlberg. Jared Leto. Johnny Depp. Even Eminem! What are these guys doing to fight the effects of time? We don't know, but they're obviously winning! Sunday's show might as well have been subtitled The 2014 Showcase of Dudes With Ridiculously Youthful Faces.
And Now, The Losers
All The Celebs Who Didn't Get A Cameo In The Record-Breaking Intro
Too bad for you, Everyone Else In Hollywood. We know you're crying yourself to sleep tonight, and we know the reason why.
Amanda Seyfried's Contact Lenses
Not only did Amanda's lenses miss the funnest awards show all year, but their absence left one of our favorite celebs squinting and stammering at the teleprompter during an exchange where timing was of the essence. Boo contacts. BOO.
This man's crime: Claiming that the fate of the galaxy didn't depend upon your vote for Movie of the Year, when it so obviously did. (Thankfully nobody believed him, everybody voted and the Milky Way remains un-exploded.)
Despite being granted the enormous honor of our MTV Trailblazer Award, Channing spoke too long during his acceptance speech and received the Movie Awards version of the "cut it short" music: a Conan O'Brien dick pic. Yes, he won a golden trophy — but he also lost his innocence.
The Orcs From "The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug"
Even the award-winning Best Fight still has to have a loser, and these orcs got their butts handed to them even as Orlando Bloom and Evangeline Lilly got their big win. We almost feel sorry for 'em ... almost.
People Who Don't Like Seeing Large Crowds Of People In Ski Masks
The masks that the crowd is wearing at the MTV Movie Awards will give me nightmares.— Abby Sova (@SovaAbby) April 14, 2014
Didn't get a golden ticket under her seat; missed her once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to kiss Zac Efron. Womp womp.