Channing Tatum, attractive bundle of muscles with everyman flair, was the recipient of the 2014 MTV Movie Awards’ Trailblazer Award. And as expressed in the eloquent words of his buddy Jonah Hill: What’s more trailblazing than an attractive man becoming a movie star, eh?
Absolutely nothing — especially not with those abdominals. The “22 Jump Street” star has long guaranteed his place in our collective hearts, ensuring nothing but adoration and obsession. That was, uh, until today.
Because, you see, Channing Tatum broke our hearts tonight. We got nary a crotch-splitting move, no utterances of “F–k you, science!” not even an epic high-five — and that wasn’t even the worst of it. So how did the star disappoint us? Allow us a quick elaboration for your benefit — it’s only fair if we all share in the rage, friends.
1. He was not nearly shirtless enough. Not even a little bit.
2. There wasn’t a single moment of emotional, rain-induced turmoil. What’s up with that?
3. We only just found out that we could’ve been calling him “Chan” this whole time. Chan, why didn’t you tell us this, Chan?!
4. Where were those crotch-splitting dance moves?
5. And then Tatum went and got his perfect jacket smudged up with makeup on his back, ruining the Photoshop-perfect reality we all know, love and expect.
6. This didn’t actually end up being the return of “Punk’d” like Tatum thought it was.
7. Channing’s guyliner was wildly ’90s in its application. You’ve got to line the upper and lower lash lines, fellas. (Someone should get Jared Leto to teach a class).
8. He did not, unfortunately, Channing all over our Tatums (that will never get old).