If you’re wondering where our jaws are, they’re on the floor with our socks that just got knocked off by the last half hour of “Game of Thrones.” While last season’s Red Wedding traumatized us for months, the end of the Purple Wedding freaked us out in an entirely different way.
Join us as we all cheer together, and recap the most shocking moments on “The Lion and the Rose:”
The Wild Hunt
The episode starts off with Ramsay Snow hunting the most dangerous game, human being, with Theon in tow. When we last saw the first son of the Iron Islands, he was having his wang chopped off — and it looks like, despite a good amount of time passing, he still hasn’t gotten over his castration. GET OVER IT, THEON, IT’S JUST YOUR PENIS.
How The Sausage Is Made
Cut from Theon to Tyrion chopping a big fat sausage, because “Game of Thrones” can’t pass up that visual joke. On the list of things the show is just like, we wouldn’t have naturally put “Austin Powers” on the list, but we’re one scene of Tywin asking for sharks with laser beams on their heads from a total crossover.
We’re Gonna Need A Montage
Jaime confesses to Tyrion (post-sausage) that he can’t fight anymore, so Bronn gets enlisted as Jaime’s gruff but ultimately fatherly trainer. We’re looking forward to a montage of Jaime running down a King’s Landing street while Bronn follows him on a bike, Jaime punching slabs of meat with his one good hand, Jaime banging his sister, etc.
A Close Shave
Back to Theon — sorry, Reek — an incredibly tense scene finds Ramsay proving to his father Roose Bolton that he’s properly trained the former Prince by asking Reek to shave his face, while Ramsay taunts Theon. There was a moment — just a moment — where it looks like Theon/Reek would cut Ramsay’s throat. But sadly, Theon is gone. Long live Reek, Reek, it rhymes with weak.
Bran Turns Into A Tree
Meanwhile, in “As North Of The Wall Turns,” Bran turns into a tree. Or rather, he uses his skinwalking ability to commune with a Godswood tree, and gets glimpses of the past, present and future. What this means for his storyline going forward is unclear, though he is getting closer to his cereal grain namesake, so that’s a good thing.
The Purple Wedding
And finally, we get to the big, main event. The incredible 30 minute long sequence known as the Purple Wedding was a coiled pit of tension that only let up in the final second with one of the biggest events on TV, ever. As an understatement.
Everybody is on edge, with Olenna needling Tywin, Oberyn also verbally threatening Tywin, Jaime and Loras clashing over their respective sisters and Cersei mocking Brienne.
But the main event is left for Tyrion and Joffrey.
Unable to pretend to not be a horrible monster of a human being even for the sake of his wedding, Joffrey brings out a troupe of dwarfs to perform a mocking version of the War of The Five Kings. It ends with the one playing Joffrey humping the severed head of Robb Stark, something that surprisingly offends Robb’s surviving sister Sansa.
Tyrion, drunk, is unable to hold himself back and suggests that his nephew should head down and show the dwarfs how real warriors act. As we — and Tyrion — know, Joffrey didn’t fight during the Battle of Blackwater; which is what Tyrion is poking fun at, and it naturally enrages the King.
Joffrey dumps wine on Tyrion’s head, but Tyrion seems unfazed. So Joffrey suggests Tyrion be his cupbearer, an insulting position to put his Uncle in. With the tension building, will Joffrey break first, or will Tyrion?
Luckily, Margaery diffuses the situation by welcoming a cake full of birds, as one does.
And then Joffrey starts to choke. And continues to choke, until blood is pouring out of his nose and eyes. While Cersei screams and stares accusingly at Tyrion… Joffrey dies.
That’s right: the event fans have been begging for since the series started has finally happened — and speaking as a book reader, we can confidently say this played out even better than it did on the page.
Joffrey is dead! But with Tyrion the most likely suspect, will our favorite character be next?
What did you think of “Game of Thrones” this week?