If you've been just burning for the chance to bring your infant child to see Lars Von Trier's "Nymphomaniac," then... well, not gonna lie, that's really weird.
But guess what, weirdo: today is your lucky day! Because on March 26 and April 2, the Landmark cinema in New York City will screen the wildly explicit "Nymphomaniac" as part of its Rattle & Reel Wednesday special, which allows parents to see a movie and bring their baby gratis.
Says the theater's website, "Adults pay normal admission prices but all babies are FREE!"
Realistically, it's actually a great thing for movie-loving caregivers to see films like this with an audience of fellow baby-havers, who'll be sympathetic if a fussy infant starts making noise.
And of course babies below a certain age won't be aware enough of what's happening onscreen to suffer any ill effects from sitting through "Nymphomaniac," apart from possibly bursting into tears at the sight of Stellan Skarsgard's O-face—and let's be honest, that's alarming enough to make even a grown man cry.
But still: if "babies see 'Nymphomaniac' free!" is the next big thing in movie promotions, we assume it won't be long before the door opens wide for even more outrageous, tasteless and disturbing campaigns to lure disenchanted audiences back to their local theater. For instance:
"Requiem for a Dream" Mother's Day Special: Zip your mom into her favorite red dress and bring her to see the movie for free!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 40th Anniversary BYO Celebration: Bring your own booze, bring your own chainsaw, bring your own FUN!
Family sing-along night at the movies, featuring "Reservoir Dogs"!
Celebrate Your Valentine's Day With Lars Von Trier's "Antichrist"! See the film with your sweetheart, and get a swag bag including a pair of scissors, a whetstone, and a complimentary certificate for one year of couple's therapy!
The "12 Years a Slave" Three-Fifths Compromise Special: A topsy-turvy homage to the second-most offensive article ever written into the Constitution! Bring five people to the theater, and pay for just three tickets.
"The Hunger Games" Winner-Take-All Championship: Murder everyone in the movie theater, and enjoy a private screening of "Catching Fire" while still bathed in the blood of your enemies!
"Les Miserables" Proletarian Discount: Show your positive TB test and see the movie for free, or get a $5 discount on tickets for every tooth you let us yank out. (Maximum two teeth per customer; dentures or pre-loosened baby teeth not eligible.)
What do you think? Does the "Nymphomaniac" promotion go too far?