Have you ever wondered what Lorde's "Royals" would sound like as an anthem for homophobic, likely deranged Christian zealots? Well, wonder no more, the Westboro Baptist Church has put their own sanctimonious spin on the chart-topping hit — and it's terrible.
The fundamentalist group — the very people who protested at the funerals of the likes of Steve Jobs and Michael Jackson —
have picked the New Zealand-born singer (along with Young the Giant) as their next target, planning to picket her March 21 show in Kansas City, Missouri, in an effort to "warn the living."
By now, we've all learned to ignore them, and their claims that Lorde, whom they say has been elevated to idol status, "has NO wisdom worth having" and "doesn't have enough sense to put in a thimble." Even Lorde herself has found the whole thing rather hilarious, brushing it off sarcastically on Twitter.
But their remix to "Royals," which they posted to their website, cannot be ignored — simply because of how truly atrocious it is.
It takes her lyrical denunciation of pop culture and takes it five miles farther, as a warning of the apocalypse, and a look into the hell-bound future to sinners like Lorde.
Here are the lyrics, in all their glory:
We're coming to the end of all the flesh
We warned with pickets signs and songs and the movies
Shouldn't be proud you made this mess
You hear the trumpets sound, you'll feel God's envy
'Cause every song sings bare teeth ragin; sinning in the bedroom
bloodless coffin trashin your creator
You don't care
You're really badasses in your dreams
But in reality Christ will pay back, coming in the clouds
He'll set his thrown and mockers will be screechin' 'It ain't fair'
We'll be caught up with him in the air
We'll ever be royals, sanctified by his blood
[Indecipherable... something about "ascension," we think]
We crave a different kind of love
He has made us rulers
Sanctified to his sea
And joyful we'll rule with our King eternally
As red as blood, as black as coal
Dissolving peace you'll starve for wheat and for barley
Everyone who reads it knows what the pale horse is
You're gonna soon be sorry
He's greater than you ever dreamed
He's gonna make you mighty scream
Crispy 'cause you didn't care,
We'll be caught up with him in the air."
It's a rather terrifying re-do, but worry not: Lorde didn't seem to be scared at all.
"everyone wear rainbow clothing to that show," Lorde urged her followers in a series of since-deleted tweets. "everyone try to kiss church members who are same sex as you they will so love it christmas comin early in kansas city."