Giant spoilers ahead for the "Veronica Mars" TV series. You've had years to get those DVDs, don't get mad at us now. You have only yourself to blame. Oh, and also, speaking of late, we need to tell you something about "Lost."
Hello there, good-looking reader. We know a few things about you, just by looking at you. You have a lot going on in your life, short on time but long on the need for pop culture savvy. When "Veronica Mars" was on the air almost a decade ago, you may not have found the time to watch it. After all, DVR wasn't really a thing then, and the show was only on for three seasons. (RIP, UPN.)
Now, however, what's a culture addict to do when a hotly anticipated, Kickstarter-funded movie is on the horizon, and there's no time (or attention span) to be found to watch the entire series before the Friday release date? Watch the first eight minutes of the film with our handy annotations, of course, and then sit back and enjoy the ride come this weekend. Welcome to Marshmallow-dom, reader.
You can check out the first eight minutes of the movie now on Fandango. Here are your study notes to bone up before the final exam Friday.
"I need your help, Veronica."
Everyone needs something, right? As it turns out, people need a lot from Veronica. Every week on the show, some student or another would corner her (often in the bathroom, weirdly) to enlist her services in proving tampering in student elections, finding a lost dog or destroying dirty pictures taken of them by jealous boyfriends. Oh, and sometimes she solved murders. But we'll get to that.
"A teenaged private eye."
Some people take up knitting, but not Veronica. As we've seen in the movie's trailer and the following footage, ol' Ronnie got a private investigators' license for her 18th birthday, and was doing the groundwork long before that. Harriet, she's not.
"My best friend was murdered when I was 15. Trying to figure out who did it was how I coped."
Meet Lilly Kane. I would say remember her face, but, sadly, Amanda Seyfried doesn't make an appearance or even warrant a mention by name in the movie, despite being Veronica's BFF and the driving force throughout the first season of the show and, arguably, Veronica's life trajectory. NBD. Oh, and we'll get to Logan in a second, but a quick Google will tell you that there's a lot more to say about the Echolls family than we're told here, especially when it comes to Lilly.
"Dad lost his job and I lost my friends."
Sheriff Mars no more, Veronica and Keith are still weirdly close (even moreso after Veronica's alcoholic mom took off in part to protect her daughter from crazy stalkers but — no, wait, this one's too long to explain. Just watch the first season!) and go into business together. They also lost their house and most of their income. Womp.
"The cruellest was Logan Echolls, my dead friend's boyfriend."
Yes, there's a spoiler warning on this post, but, really. That's not the only connection between Logan and Lilly. Just Google it.
"It's likely those qualities are what drew us together; they're absolutely what tore us apart."
To reiterate: Veronica's former tormentor, her dead best friend's boyfriend, Veronica's sometimes boyfriend, best friend of her former boyfriend (oh, yeah, we didn't even mention longtime boyfriend Duncan Kane, who was Dead Lilly's brother and for a hot second Veronica thought maybe her brother too. um)...the list goes on. Suffice to say: It's complicated. It remains complicated.
"New me? People say I'm a marshmallow."
And now you're one too. Congratulations.