The 13 Best Jokes Of The 2014 Oscars

Ellen orders pizza, J-Law grabs Meryl's boob during a Twitter-crashing selfie, and Bradley Cooper wins lotto tickets.

The 2014 Oscars were pretty. But not, like, pretty, pretty. More of a “rugged, dirty pretty.” Like Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey; not like Oscar-winner Jared Leto, according to host Ellen DeGeneres, who provided the vast majority of the funnies during the three-plus hours of the show.

That’s a long show, so Ellen did many of the hot-seat actors and filmmakers a solid and ordered some pizza — but then, left them with the bill. Good thing Pharrell was there to lend his hat to the cause of collecting to pay the poor, star-struck pizza guy.

Here are a few of the best jokes of the evening:

1. The Hunger Games
According to Ellen, the crowd in the Dolby Theatre reminded her of the kill-or-be-killed plot of the hit movie, saying, “It is the Hunger Games.” Which, consequently, spurred her to ask the audience if they were hungry. She then proceeded to actually order pizza. The pizza guy showed up midway through the show, and hungry stars gobbled up the slices.

2. “It’s so different.”
Ellen hosted the Oscars seven years ago. Seven years ago, Meryl, Cate Blanchett, Judi Dench and Leonardo DiCaprio were all nominees. A little bit of deja-new for her this time around?

3. The Wine Captain
Ellen poked fun at all the nominees in her opening monologue, as Oscar hosts are wont to do. Her shout-out to newcomer Barkhad Abdi, who played the pirate leader in “Captain Phillips,” got a round of laughs when she referred to the Somali actor as a “sommelier,” and shouted, “Who’s the wine captain now!”

4. The Impersonator
Academy Award-winner Liza Minnelli attended the awards in honor of the 75th anniversary of “The Wizard of Oz” on behalf of her mother, Judy Garland. Or was it an impersonator in drag? Ellen seemed to think so, and congratulated “him” for his efforts. Liza handled it quite well, we think, and graciously agreed to a selfie with Ellen later on in the show that she tweeted.

5. The Epic Retweet
It was the selfie that crashed Twitter. As of 11 p.m. ET, the photo Ellen snapped with J-Law, Bradley Cooper, Meryl Streep and others on her smartphone had gotten over one million re-tweets. It broke the current record set by President Barack Obama on the night of his re-election (“Four more years”). And then Twitter crashed. Coincidence? We think not.

6. Wise Guys
While not intentional, Alfonso Cuaron’s slip during his acceptance speech for Best Director garnered a chuckle from the audience. He gave a shout-out to the “wise guys at Warner Brothers,” before sheepishly correcting himself.

7. Julia, #SuckIt
Well, Julia Roberts got a hoot out of Cate Blanchett’s memorable acceptance speech. An inside joke, perhaps? But it was clearly a joke, nonetheless; otherwise, we suspect there would have been some serious stink-eye.

8. Pharrell’s Hat
You thought the hat would fade into obscurity after the Grammys? Not a chance. Following Pharrell’s performance of “Happy,” Ellen nabbed it and used it as a collection hat to shake down the actors for the cost of the pizzas. Also, she stole Lupita Nyong’o’s lip balm.

9. Sweatin’ to the ’80s
Apparently, that’s how Matthew McConaughey lost all that weight for his Oscar-winning role in “Dallas Buyers Club.” Who knew?

10. Blowing your mind
“A great story will blow … your mind.” Was Jamie Foxx’s pause intentional? Probably not, but it was hilarious anyway. As was his subsequent a cappella rendition of “Chariots of Fire.”

11. Wardrobe malfunction
While nobody saw anybody’s boobs this year (though between J-Law and Meryl, there was a little grab-action during the selfie), Ellen did have a mishap: She went all out on her Glinda the Good Witch costume, only to debut it after the celebration of the 75th anniversary of “The Wizard of Oz” concluded. “Not cool guys,” she joked. “They were going to call me!”

12. Bradley Cooper wins big
While he didn’t win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, he did get a handful of scratch lotto tickets and a quarter from Ellen as a consolation prize.

13. Movie Magic
“Of course, the magic I’m referring to is LSD,” Jim Carrey proudly stated in his tribute to animation in the movies. “I might be reading that wrong. It’s animation. Wow, I was way off.”

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