Happy Birthday, Justin Bieber! We Got You A Ton Of Useful Gifts

So, it may not be too easy to get Justin a paparazzi-free world, but we tried.

Happy Birthday, Justin Bieber! You’ve made it to 20, and we couldn’t be more excited.

If we could, we’d get you all the riches and luxuries in the world to end your teen years on Saturday (March 1). But we’re just peasant folk, Justin. We hope you understand.

Although we can’t afford to get you a nice gold chain or lap dances for days, we can still pretend, right? Here are some things we would gift you if we were magical.

1. Make The Paparazzi Disappear
Let’s go for the obvious first, Biebs. The paps are evil, conniving demons who never leave you alone. You’re human! You need privacy? With our new superhero powers, we’d blast them all away, so you can do regular-person things without a massive crowd of instigators around you.

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2. Fact-Checkers For The Entire Media
You don’t need newspapers, magazines and blogs publishing false stuff about you for everyone to see! It may be impossible to get them to stop writing about you, but we’d get you a staff of fact-checkers to make sure everything is just right. That way, if you make a mistake, all the speculation around it would away, leaving only the straight info. That’s what you want, right?

3. A Stash… I Mean, ’Stache
We know you’ve been trying to grow the mustache for a while, and luckily, since we’re magical now, we can grant you the ability to grow a luscious mustache.

4. Your Own Race Course
Remember that little incident you had with the Miami police? It all could’ve been different if it were for one present we’re about to give you: a race course. Obviously! Duh! If you had your own course, you wouldn’t have had to take to the streets to race. Honestly, does nobody think of this but us?

5. Lamborghini, Mercy
When you got arrested that time, it was when you were in a rented $250,000 yellow Lamborghini Spyder. And, if we try hard enough, we’re gonna win you a brand. new. Caaaaar! [Bob Barker voice] So enjoy it. No need to rent those bad boys anymore.

6. Get Mally Back
We all cried when you had to leave your pet monkey in Germany after you didn’t have the right paperwork with you on tour. But we know a guy, and we can totally get Mally back.

7. New Neighbs
You haven’t had the best past with neighbors. In fact, your last neighbor pressed charges on you after you threw a few harmless eggs at his house! We’d get you the nicest neighbors in all the land… like Mr. Rogers. What did he always say about tattling? “I cannot tell a lie”?

8. Time Travel
Hey, I know it’s far-fetched, but might as well try. Here’s a time machine so you can crawl into it whenever you need to go correct a situation-gone-wrong.

9. T-Shirt Tattoo
You hate wearing shirts. We get it. We do too! But you get a ton of slack for not slipping on some stitched cotton. If you accepted this tattoo of a T-shirt we got you, you won’t have to worry about wearing clothes OR people yelling at you for not wearing clothes. It’s a win-win, really.

10. Invisibility Cloak
OK, so if the paparazzi thing doesn’t work out, here’s this invisibility cloak from “Harry Potter.” All you have to do is drape if over you, and breathe very quietly, and you can get out of almost anything. Thanks, Albus Dumbledore.

11. A Belt
Also, speaking of apparel, try on these belts we ordered online. We didn’t know your size, but Pattie has been joking about how your pants are so low. Yeah, we’re on a first-name basis with Pattie now. Don’t worry about it.

Senior Swiftie Reporter, has an unhealthy obsession with pork dumplings and tweeting Liz Phair.
@emileelindner