Even if you were unable to brave the post-midnight hours to watch Jimmy Fallon's debut spin around the block as host of "The Tonight Show" last night, by now you've most definitely heard about the coterie of famous friends who stopped by to throw cash — and kind words, in many cases — at the host.
As much as we loved seeing the carousel of fame spin 'round (Kim! Tina! Rudy! Hello!), we can't help but raise an eyebrow of disbelief at the notion that all of them would a. have a hundred dollar bill on hand and b. touch it with their actual hands. You've read the articles about the coke, herpes and general filth they're finding on money all the time, right? We're sure Mariah Carey's handlers have, at any rate. Those "Honey" hands aren't coming anywhere near actual currency.
In the name of realism, here's our ranking of the likelihood of Jimmy Fallon's celeb friends having, touching and presenting money the way they did.
Likelihood: 1,000 percent
"Yeah, sure. You want this? Okay. I don't have any pockets, but I'm sure I've got some bills stashed some— ah, here it is!"
La Lohan and her formal shorts came and went so quickly on last night's "Tonight Show," like a fever dream. Did that really just happen? We assume that's the way a real-life encounter with her would go too.
Tina's a smart lady, and gives hundies where hundies are due. She just probably also gave Jimmy a wedgie backstage, just because. Take that, Fallon.
Likelihood: Yes, plus some.
Mike Tyson will give you a hundred dollar bill, but he'll also lean down and whisper into your ear, striking fear into your heart at the thought of having that tattooed face so close to yours. That money comes with a price, my friend.
Given Tracy Morgan's ordinary public behavior, we wouldn't be surprised if he walks down the street handing out hundies and one-liners to everyone he meets. (Except Dr. Spaceman. Sorry, Leo.)
Yes, we fully believe that Seth Rogen would hand off a hundred dollar bill to satisfy a bet, but we also believe that the wallet he pulls it out of would involve velcro and nylon in some way. And is money that came from such a place really money at all?
Sarah Jessica Parker
Likelihood: Likely, but not like that.
Carrie Bradshaw herself pulled her hundie from the red sole of her stiletto last night, dramatically smoothing it out before passing it on to Jimmy. But, really, you think Magnolia Bakery accepts foot money? In the real earth, SJP would be flipping that cash out of a monogrammed money clip tucked inside a designer clutch that fits literally nothing else. A clutch so expensive that it can literally barely hold actual money.
Likelihood: Yeah, sure.
Broadway Joe is a man of the people. Of course he'd touch money, though we assume that he would also be the type of guy to go the extra mile and pay out the bet in mixed denominations. You know, just in case. A hundred is so impractical.
Likelihood: Yes, but no.
She has that hundo, but she's not giving it up. She's more likely to wave it in front of your face and then snatch it away while saying something nasty about your outfit. Good effort, though.
Likelihood: What is that, made out of paper? How quaint.
Does Jimmy accept AmEx? He does now.
Lady Gaga does not deal in the currencies of this planet, instead choosing to dole out MonsterBuxx and ScaryGems, which take the form of little scraps of wood with googly eyes pasted on. Value: unknown. If you try to ask, she just caresses your face with the back of her hand, whispering "ooh-ra-ra" repeatedly.
Likelihood: LOL, no.
No, the likelihood of Mrs. Nick Cannon touching money with her hands is approximately zero percent, perhaps slightly lower. Do you know where that's been? If the answer is yes, then what are you doing touching that, and if the answer is no — what are you doing touching that?
We assume that given the option, Mariah would have had an assistant present Fallon with a butterfly-shaped, glitter-encrusted Post-It note with vague a vague outline of where Fallon could find his money. (Hint: It's in the hollow of the swing tree from the "Always Be My Baby" video.)
Robert De Niro
Fun fact: Robert De Niro has risen above currency, and now only deals in intense, meaningful eye contact and gentle strokes of his thumb across the back of your hand. Consider that debt paid in full, friend.
Likelihood: n/a, pretends not to know what paper money is.
It's actually fully believable that Colbert really does carry his money in all pennies, for reasons of obnoxiousness and upper body strength. Show-off. Paper money just isn't as respectable as coinage, you know?