Spoilers for “Winter’s Tale” ahead. You’ve been warned.
This Valentine’s Day, some studio execs are hoping you’ll want to grab your sweetie and cozy up at the movie theater while watching “Winter’s Tale,” the tale of endless love (not to be confused with “Endless Love,” also opening today) starring Colin Farrell and Jessica Brown Findlay. The story of love, loss, reincarnation and winged horses appeals to the romantic in all of us, but we can think of one romantic in particular who’s sure to be ob-effing-sessed with this little ditty: Taylor Swift.
We all know that the songstress has a particularly soft spot for all things relationship — make-ups, break-ups and wake-ups (to feelings) included — and we don’t think “Winter’s Tale” will be any exception to that. In fact, we have a sneaking suspicion that Taylor Swift’s discography served as the stand-in soundtrack for the movie, until KT Tunstall, Hans Zimmer and Rupert Gregson-Williams stepped in with the finished score.
Though the massive Mark Helprin novel of the same name on which the movie is based was considered by some to be “unfilmable,” the plot is fairly simple if you ignore this parallel demon world thing involving Russell Crowe’s character, which the movie mostly does anyone: Peter Lake (Farrell) is a master thief. In 1916, he falls in love with a dying redhead (Findlay). He believes he can save her, but, um. Peter is murdered shortly thereafter, and is awakened in the year 2014, with no knowledge of the world around him or his identity, only that there is a redheaded girl he must save. But who is it? (Taylor Swift knows.)
Ahead, the movie’s (very, very, very condensed) plot, as told through Taylor Swift song titles.
I Knew You Were Trouble
Hey, guess how Peter and his fiery-haired lovah, Beverly, meet? Apart from online dating, they say that the best place to meet the love of your life is in the workplace, and Peter is a thief. He barges in on Beverly’s family’s well-stocked home after his winged horse tells him to (yes, really). When she discovers him, tuberculotic Beverly makes him a cup of tea instead of screaming her head off, and the two find L-U-V. But still, “Occupation: thief” is a bit of a red flag.
Forever And Always
Never mind the fact that girlfriend is so feverish she’s melting the snow around her and is forced to walk around in filmy little nothing nightgowns and sleep in outdoor rooftop tents to keep her body temp down, Peter and Beverly’s love is Real and Lasting. Also known as: Forever and Always. Nice work, Tay.
Hey, Russell Crowe plays an actual demon in this, and he really wants to kill Peter!
Today Was A Fairytale
When something magical happens in “Winter’s Tale,” you won’t miss it. You know why? Because this little shimmery, chimey, spooky magic music plays. Step aside, TaySway. This is an actual fairytale. Also, yes, winged horse. Winged. Horse. A horse with wings.
We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together
Death has a way of messing up relationships. Drama, am I right?
Everything Has Changed/Begin Again
Of course, Peter is eventually reincarnated and goes about his quest of saving the redheaded girl he can’t stop doodling on New York city sidewalks. If only he knew who that mystery ginger was! Unfortunately, Peter doesn’t know anything, not even how to use the archaic microfiche machine. Taylor Swift learned to begin again on a Tuesday in a cafe, but Peter’s situation was more like a modern day in a filthy riverbed. Tomato, to-mah-to.
Never Grow Up
Spoiler alert: The redhead who needs saving is a little kid with cancer. Peter cures cancer (and rides his winged horse around a bit more), but just the once. Then he literally becomes a star. In the sky. (We would say that “Starlight” soundtracks this place, but the Kennedy stuff makes us uncomfortable.)