Shia LaBeouf Isn’t Nearly Sorry Enough

If the actor is serious about saying #IAMSORRY, he could start by apologizing for this stuff.

After a plagiarism scandal, a non-apology and a series of shenanigans at the Berlin Film Festival that reached a bizarre apex with The Paper Bag Incident, Shia LaBeouf has steered the trainwreck of his public persona to its only logical endpoint: performance art.

LaBeouf, who quickly became an object of mockery in the wake of accusations that he’d plagiarized the work of comics artist Dan Clowes, has taken up residence in a Los Angeles art installation. Titled #IAMSORRY, the installation features the actor sitting alone in a room with a bag over his head, while audience participants pass through one by one to witness LaBeouf’s contrition. (Or that seems to be the idea, anyway, based on reports from those in attendance.)

But hey, if Shia is really serious about being really sorry, then maybe he could take this opportunity to make apologies on multiple fronts, beginning with…

#IAMSORRY: For The Plagiarism Scandal
I would like Shia to apologize for plagiarizing the work of Dan Clowes, and also apologize for plagiarizing his original apology. He should also apologize for being a plagiarism apologist, and while he’s at it, apologize for the existence of plagiarism in general.

#IAMSORRY: For Past Personal Infractions
Shia will then move on to righting old wrongs, beginning with apologies to Megan Fox and Isabel Lucas for spilling the beans about their illicit romantic affairs, and to the women’s partners for his embarrassing lack of discretion. The neighbor with whom Shia had an altercation back in 2005 should receive an apology for Shia having threatened him with a kitchen knife.

The guy who punched Shia in the face at Mad Bull’s Tavern back in 2011 should receive an apology for whatever Shia did to merit a good face-punching. The good people of Wikipedia should receive an apology for having to constantly update the section on Shia’s legal troubles to include his latest shenanigans.

#IAMSORRY: For Those Movies
This is also a golden opportunity for Shia to apologize for his involvement in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” as well as the “Transformers” franchise. I would specifically like an extended apology for “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” and most specifically for the moment when that small robot truck did unspeakable things to Megan Fox’s leg.

Shia should conclude this section by apologizing for his nude appearance in the video for Sigur Ros’s “Fjögur Píanó,” knowing full well that this would force countless people to look at and discuss his package.

#IAMSORRY: For Basically Everything
You want sorry? I’LL GIVE YOU SORRY. Global warming. Ugg boots. Wikileaks. The ebola virus. The polar vortex. The continued existence of mosquitoes. Trans fats. Justin Bieber’s DUI; One Direction’s hair product budget. The cancellation of “Firefly,” the third season of “Lost,” and the fact that Frank Darabont hasn’t made a feature-length film in seven freaking years.

Also, on a personal note, I would like to point out that my local McDonald’s never, despite three years of extremely polite pleading, never ever has the McRib on the menu. Someone needs to apologize for these things, and it might as well be Shia LaBeouf. Say you’re sorry, Shia. At least one of these things is almost certainly your fault.