While you were out living your normal person life Saturday night, Hollywood's handsomest branch was throwing its annual awards gala in Los Angeles. That's right: the 2014 Screen Actors Guild Awards, which are voted on by the members of the actors union for presentation to those who gave the best performances of the year, went down this weekend.
We acknowledge that there are actual awards given out, but you don't have to be clutching a statue of a little naked dude (everyone's thinking it, let's just come out and say it) to be a winner in our book. (Though the statue does kind of make you more of a winner, let's be real.) Here are the 11 notable quotables that won the night:
Based on her acceptance speeches so far — the Critics Choice Awards and now the SAG Award — we're pulling for Lupita Nyong'o to win all the awards, just so we can hear more of her totally charming and heartfelt talks. Before she told a story about her dad making fun of her and, indirectly, Brad Pitt, she seriously started her speech by saying, simply, "yay!" Is Nyong'o somehow eligible for a Grammy? Because we could use her at next weekend's ceremony.
'Matthew: Alright, alright, alright, baby!'
Jared Leto's emotional acceptance speech for Best Performance By a Supporting Actor for his role in "Dallas Buyers Club" won big with us. Color us charmed by his shoutout to co-star Matthew McConaughey (we'll get to his speech later), his referencing his mother, who came with him to the awards, as "the hottest date in town" and especially his dedication of the award "to all the people who have lost their lives as a result of this dreadful disease."
'Have no skill-set other than being a needy extrovert.'
Ty Burrell's acceptance speech for Outstanding Performance By an Actor in a Comedy Series, delivered as bullet points for Burrell's fictitious(?) guide, "Acting: How to Do It Good," is an instant classic. Heck, by his rules, we would be crushing it in Hollywood. (Do you like us? Do you like us now?)
When "Modern Family" snapped up the statue for Best Ensemble, Julie Bowen told it like it is: "We're going to make Sofia talk because America loves her and her boobs." Sure! We're pretty sure that Vergara's "no respect" retort was invalidated by her later thanking her bosom, but we laughed anyway.
'I don't feel saggy, I feel quite perky actually.'
Helen Mirren proved that she really does have class of a royal caliber while accepting the award for Best Performance By a Female Actor in a Miniseries, an honor many had guessed would go to Elisabeth Moss. That "many" apparently included Mirren herself, who began by complimenting Moss' performance, then leading the crowd in a round of applause for the actress. Plus, we always love a good pun, and Mirren saying that she didn't feel saggy...gold star.
'I'm sorry about that word...actually, I'm not!'
When 82-year-old Rita Moreno received this year's Life Achievement Award, she proved that even living legends can knock out hilarious acceptances. After taking a victory lap around the stage, she was immediately censored. Then, to take it even further, she dropped a total #sorrynotsorry with a grin: "I hope the man with the button was there on time."
'I would love to kill you all over again.'
In sweeping up the final SAG Award in the final season of eligibility for "Breaking Bad," Bryan Cranston nailed it, calling his castmates "the nicest bunch of white supremacist Nazis I have ever worked with." We'll say it again: it feels so good to be "Bad."
'They really seal these up.'
It wouldn't be a major awards ceremony without Jennifer Lawrence doing something charmingly awkward. Here's your weekly dose of magic.
'This is half yours. The penis part.'
Here's the recipe for what we are now calling a Cate Blanchett cocktail: one part class, two parts sass. The above comment was for her "Blue Jasmine" co-star Sally Hawkins, but she wasn't the only one to be called out by name. Apparently prompted to keep her speech short, Blanchett snapped: "Matthew McConaughey spoke about Neptune, so I think I can have five seconds." Snaps, girl.
'Wait, man! Happy MLK!'
Cuba Gooding Jr. is so happy to be back at the SAG Awards that he couldn't help but rush the stage and elbow Ben Affleck aside to get the last word. Happy MLK to you too, Cuba!
'When we touch it, it's magic.'
While accepting the award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role for his work in "Dallas Buyers Club," Matthew McConaughey delivered a speech that would best be described as energetic. It has to be seen to be believed.