Golden Globes 2014: The Real Winners And Losers

They may not have gotten a fancy statue for it, but these are the winners (and losers) of our hearts.

Statues were handed out at the 71st Golden Globes Awards in Los Angeles Sunday night, but the real winners and losers of the night didn't walk away with a trophy for their efforts. Instead, the attendees of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's awards gala, hosted for the second year running by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, will have to satisfy themselves with our consolation prizes.

Winner: Matt Damon

OK, so Jason Bourne spent the entire night, right from the opening monologue, being mocked. He was referred to (and referred to himself) as a "garbage man," and was jokingly impersonated by Melissa McCarthy. Not to mention the fact that Damon literally lost an award. What makes him such a winner, you may ask? The answer is simple: We'd never call Matt Damon a loser.

Loser: The Red Carpet

Big Red may be overshadowed every year, stomped on by coutured feet and buried under miles of electrical cords all day. Think of the letdown it must be to have programming named after you ("Live From the Red Carpet!") and never once be asked who you think should get the statue for best supporting actress. This year, to add insult to the usual injury, the red carpet weathered the indignity of being flooded by a faulty sprinkler system. Rain on its parade? Try flooding it.

Winner: Capes

They say that three makes a trend, but don't two Golden Globe nominees carry more weight than three normal humans? Whether they get the official trend stamp or not, there's no denying that capes are having a total fashion moment. Lupita Nyong'o, nominated in the supporting category for her role in "12 Years a Slave," and Amy Adams, whose work in "American Hustle" earned her a statue for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, both looked super in caped dresses on the red carpet Sunday night.

Loser: Kate/Leo 'Shippers

Remember when Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were in "Titanic" together and then also remember when Leo presented Kate's category at the Golden Globes Sunday night and then they would have been on stage together and totally had a moment if she'd won? But she didn't win. Sorry, guys. Find a new movie.

Winner: Amy Poehler

As Chris Traeger on Poehler's show, "Parks and Recreation" would say: literally! But beyond the long-awaited statue for Poehler in her show's sixth season, she crushed it alongside Tina Fey as a host. And come on, any night that you get a shoulder massage from Bono has to count as a win, right?

Loser: Whoever Had to Drive Jacqueline Bisset Home

Jacqueline Bisset took an early award for Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries for her work in "Dancing on the Edge," and man, her speech really danced on the edge of our patience. If she rambled and cursed that much that early in the night, we can only imagine how she must have been later in the night. We bet whoever was responsible for getting her place to place was just gritting their teeth while she told some endless story, reminding themselves that she's a living legend and Globe winner and all that.

Winner: Jared Leto's Wax Technician

"One of the things that I did was wax my entire body, including my eyebrows," the actor said in his acceptance speech. We can only assume that somewhere in the world, there's a makeshift shrine built around some hairy disposable waxing pads while a frenzied team of scientists attempts to isolate the gene for dreamy blue eyes from the still-attached follicles.

The Echelon Goes Wild Over Jared Leto's 'Tiny Little Brazilian Butt'

Loser: Microphones

Hot tip for future Golden Globe winners: You don't have to be thisclose to the mic, panting as you figure out what you're about to say/recovering from the apparently miles-long walk to the stage. Looking at you, Jacqueline Bisset, Robin Wright and Jon Voight. Looking at you.

Winner: Double-Sided Tape

It's a thankless job, and we're here to say thanks.

Loser: Julia Louis-Dreyfus Haters

To the left, to the left. Even when she was sitting in the cool kids-only film section, Louis-Dreyfus and her Reese Witherspoon selfie-refusing, e-cig smoking self were the greatest running joke of the night.

Winner: Everyone Who Doesn't Have To Have Dan Goor As Their Doctor

"This is way better, way better than saving a human life!" showrunner Dan Goor gushed while accepting the award for Best Comedy Series on behalf of "Brooklyn Nine-Nine." Um, guy? Do not pass the scalpel.

Loser: Diddy

Rebuffed by Bono? Tough night, man.

Loser: Men Who Insist That Long Hair Can Be Classy

Jared Leto's sloppy, half-undone man-bun was surely the last straw for girlfriends everywhere who just want their dudes to get a trim. At least invest in some nice anti-frizz serum, man. You're giving shaggy dudes a bad name.