The 71st Annual Golden Globes was a night that will be long remembered by Hollywood. But perhaps sticking in the collective memory even more than who won, and who lost? The jokes. So naturally, we’re going to run down nearly every single yuk from Hollywood’s booziest night, and rank them. Here are the best jokes from the 2014 Golden Globes:
14. “Meryl Streep, so briliant in ’August Osage County,’ proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60.” — Tina Fey
The first of two Meryl Streep jokes! She’s the new Jack Nicholson.
13. “We want to thank our hosts tonight, the Hollywood Foreign Press, the association of esteemed international journalists responsible for this beautiful event. Specifically, we would like to thank [string of incomprehensible journalist names and magazines.] And of course, Jeremy Watson Stuart, from Das Tits.” — Tina Fey, Amy Poehler
Can’t go wrong with a good “tits” joke.
12. “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that.” — Jim Carrey
We’re pretty sure LaBeouf made that joke first.
11. “Here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, The President’s Speech. Or as they call it at home, the bathroom break.” — Theo Kingma
Hollywood Foreign Press Association President Kingma thankfully hit this joke, and then kept his thank you short. Good job, good joke.
10. “I did not use any prosthetics in this movie. That tiny Brazilian bubble butt was all mine.” — Jared Leto
If you had told us Jordan Catalano would one day joke about his bubble butt, we would have returned all our Laserdisc copies of “My So-Called Life.”
9. “Congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight, from the amazing Chiwetel Ejiofer, to the stunning Lupita Nyong’o, to American treasure Tam Honks. Dammit, I knew I was going to screw that up.” — Amy Poehler
If Hanks doesn’t bill himself as “Tam Honks” from now on, something is wrong with the world.
8. “Bradley Cooper is here, star of ’American Hustle.’ Interesting trivia: The original title of that movie was ’Explosion at the Wig Factory’.” — Tina Fey
See, now “Explosion at the Wig Factory” is a Comedy or Musical we can get behind.
7. “Matt Damon is here for ’Behind the Candelabra.’ Matt, on any other night in another room, you would be a big deal. But tonight, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person.” — Amy Poehler
A joke so good, Damon had to apologize for it later… Though knowing the good spirited actor, we’re guessing a video of him cleaning up Globes garbage isn’t far behind.
6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, TV/Film Actress
One of the best running jokes in the show was Fey and Poehler trying to connect with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. First, she was ignoring them sitting at the “film” table, smoking and wearing dark sunglasses. Then she was trying to win back an annoyed Fey and Poehler while eating a gigantic hot dog. And she still can’t win a Golden Globe…
5. Amy Poehler Gets A Massage, Makes Out With Bono
Not only did nominee/host Amy Poehler get a massage from Bono while being announced for Best Actress, TV Comedy, Poehler made out with him when she won. Every winner should have to make out with Bono.
4. “No matter whose name is called when I open this envelope tonight, I’m leaving here a winner. If Amy takes it, and I get a racy photo of us backstage, Gucci lets me keep the tux. If it’s J. Louis, I chat her up, and ride her coattails straight into Tina’s after-party. Should it be Ms. Delpy, it reaffirms the artistic integrity of sequels. If it goes Greta Gerwig’s way, I’ll finally stop associating her surname with a film about an Angry Inch. And yet, if it’s Meryl, I could supplement my income by leasing her a shipping container to put it in, with the 200,000 other awards she’s received. Let’s see how this plays out for me.” — Robert Downey Jr.
Can someone let this guy host an awards show already? There’s not a single part of this presenters speech that wasn’t funny, and bonus points for a “Hedwig” joke.
3. “And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” — Tina Fey
It’s funny, because it’s true.
2. Tina’s son, Randy
In the “interest of gender equality,” Tina Fey broke up Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick’s moment introing their daughter Sosie as Miss Golden Globes to present Fey’s “adult son Randy,” who was just Poehler in a ridiculous wig. Best line from the exchange? Poehler saying, “Your name is Sosie? What are you, the Olympics?” Followed closely by Randy heading into the audience to ask Fey if Idris Elba was “his” father.
1. “’Gravity’ is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” — Tina Fey
Easily the longest sustained applause of any joke all evening, and the best crafted. Not to get too analytical, but look at how it works to describe the plot, George Clooney, and leaves the punch for the very last word. Now that we’ve sucked out all the fun by describing it, hopefully you can see why this was the best joke of the night.