Why do we see movies? Is it for the stories? The characters? The joie de vivre one gets from seeing a film that truly celebrates the human experience? Or is it the butts? Yeah, it’s probably just the chance to see our favorite stars in their birthday suits, showing off what their mamas and papas gave ’em. And while the Internet can provide all the screencaps one could want, there are still a few nude scenes so memorable and distinctive in 2013 they had to be seen on the big screen:
Jena Malone, “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”
Award: Best Quick Change Nudity
Johanna Mason (Jena Malone) doesn’t have a lot of time to live, since she’s about to head back into the deadly Hunger Games. So she decides to let her inhibitions fly, including one unforgettable scene where she strips off her clothes in front of Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, and Woody Harrelson in a moving elevator.
Julie Delpy, “Before Midnight”
Award: Best Topless Arguing
Alternately, this could be given the “please put your clothes back on Mom and Dad,” award, as Celeste (Julie Delpy) and Jesse (Ethan Hawke) have an interrupted sexual encounter that turns into an argument, all while Delpy keeps her shirt off. After three movies, and three decades, it’s a little bit like walking in on your parents doin’ it.
Vin Diesel, “Riddick”
Award: Best Alien Mountaintop Nudity
Yes, pervs, you can briefly glimpse a bit of Katee Sackhoff’s boob later in the movie. But hands down the best scene from “Riddick” is when the title character, reborn after fighting some alien dogs, climbs naked to the top of a mountain framed perfectly by the sun, his oiled body glistening in the cosmic sunlight. Try and top that, “Guardians of the Galaxy.”
Léa Seydoux & Adèle Exarchopoulos, “Blue Is The Warmest Color”
Award: Best Overanalyzed Sex Scenes
Was there more written about less in 2013 than the lesbian sex scenes in “Blue Is The Warmest Color?” Overall, they comprised about six minutes of the overall 187-minute running time of the film, yet spawned hundreds of articles and think pieces online and off. Most hilarious of all? When actual, real life lesbians were shown the (straight) actors making love in the film, they didn’t even think it looked authentic. Lot of build up, not a lot of release.
Scarlett Johansson, “Her”
Award: Best Nudity You Made Yourself
Also a contender for best sex scene of the year, mid-way through Spike Jonze’s excellent “Her,” Joaquin Phoenix makes love to his operating system (voiced by Scarlett Johansson), for the first time. Though the sex starts off with shots of Phoenix and his phone, it quickly fades to black, and stays there… Letting the viewer create their own naked Scarlett (or Joaquin) in their mind. And we’ll be darned if it isn’t sexier than anything actually shown on screen all year.
Elizabeth Olsen & Josh Brolin, “Oldboy”
Award: Best Sex Scene You’ll Feel Really Bad About Later
For decades, Joe Doucett (Brolin) has been locked away in a small room, only to finally be let out for even more mysterious reasons. While there, he was knocked unconscious whenever he tried to, you know, relieve himself. So when he meets a beautiful young, lonely social worker named Marie (Olsen) it’s only a matter of time until they do the deed, in a graphic sex scene that shows off almost all their assets. Except then at the film’s climax, you get to see that scene in a very different context. A context so horrifying, you’ll want to scrub it from your brain forever. Really. Forever.
Mia Wasikowska, “Stoker”
Award: Best Sex Scene You’ll Feel Really Bad About While It’s Happening
Perhaps not at all coincidentally, “Stoker” is directed by Chan-wook Park, who directed the original version of “Oldboy” that first depicted the horrifying sex scene in our previous entry. In this movie, he managed to top himself. India (Wasikowska) has returned home after a disastrous date with a boy, one that ended in her nearly being raped. She heads to the shower, and we at first see what looks like her crying, interspersed with scenes showing how she and her Uncle fought off the boy. It becomes clear though, that India isn’t crying… She’s masturbating. And as she remembers the sickening crunch of the boy’s neck breaking, as she watched her Uncle kill the boy on top of her? She “finishes.” Eek.
Some Demon, “This Is The End”
Award: Best Use Of A Gigantic Demon D— In A Motion Picture
As Jay Baruchel ascends towards heaven, he and Seth Rogen are pursued by an enormous, fiery demon with what might be the largest penis ever committed to film, pendulously swinging back and forth between its legs. It’s a horrifyingly hilarious sight gag, but only gets more insane when Seth Rogen ascends himself, a beam of pure heavenly light cutting the demon’s d**k right in half.
Johnny Knoxville, “Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa”
Award: Best Unexpected Nudity In A Strip Club
Wandering around town looking for a strip club, Irving Zisman (Knoxville) accidentally ends up at an all African-American, all-male revue. There’s a fair amount of “on purpose” shlong in the scene, but a few beers in, Zisman decides to get in on the act… Which is when the world’s most dangling scrotum falls out of Zisman’s tighty-whiteys, and the screaming begins.
Michael Wazowski & James P. Sullivan, “Monsters University”
Award: Best Sustained Nudity
Sure Mike wears a hat at some points, and occasionally Sulley dons a jacket. But the stars of “Monsters University” are completely naked for the majority of the running time of this “kids” movie. Some of the other monsters at least Donald Duck it and wear shirts, but not these guys! How “Monsters University” got a G-rating is beyond us, this is filth, pure and simple.
Here’s a rundown of pretty much every other place you can find a major celebrity nipple or butt-cheek in a major motion picture this year, as well as which actor or actress gets their kit off. Hey, you know where else you can find a nipple or butt-cheek? On your own body:
“2 Guns,” (Paula Patton)
“Afternoon Delight,” (Kathryn Hahn, Juno Temple)
“Big Sur,” (Kate Bosworth)
“The Canyons,” (Lindsay Lohan)
“Drinking Buddies,” (Olivia Wilde)
“Lovelace,” (Amanda Seyfried)
“Night Train to Lisbon,” (Melanie Laurent)
“Rush,” (Natalie Dormer)
“The Spectacular Now,” (Shailene Woodley)
“Spring Breakers,” (Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens, Rachel Korine)
“Sunlight Jr.” (Naomi Watts)
“Sweetwater,” (January Jones)
“Trance,” (Rosario Dawson)
“The Wolf of Wall Street,” (Margot Robbie, Leonardo DiCaprio)