The holidays are a time of happiness, joy and rampant, gluttonous consumerism, as well as, naturally, holiday tunes — the latter of which have been in heavy rotation since Halloween. Given the nature of the season, one would think that those tunes would be similarly gay and bright. Sadly, they'd be wrong. A good portion of holiday jams are actually darker than a stocking full of well-deserved coal.
Below, MTV News breaks down some of the most suspect Christmas carols. These will definitely help the kids stay up on Christmas Eve to wait for Santa — with fear.
Standout Lyric: "He sees you when you're sleeping/ He knows when you're awake."
We get that Santa's all-seeing gaze is supposed to deter children from reverting to their natural beastlike state come the holidays, but does he really have to watch us while we're sleeping? Really?
Why does the jolliest man this side of a polar bear have to be, essentially, equated to your creepy college roommate — you know, the dude who stands over you in the dark of night, slowly eating chips while plotting your imminent demise?
If you know when we're awake, dude, commence watching then (if you need to be a creeper). At least then we'll be drool-free.
Sidenote: Also, that whole "Santa's a busy man he has no time to play" thing really kind of evokes "The Shining," which isn't really an image you want associated with a bringer of presents and joy — unless, you know, you have an axe of your X-Mas list this year. Here's Santa!
Standout lyric: "Christmas Eve will find you/ Where the love light gleams/ I'll be home for Christmas/ If only in my dreams"
At first, this jam — often crooned in the voice of one Josh Groban — seems sweet. He'll be home for Christmas! He promised! Love light glowing! Then you get to the kicker: "If only in my dreams." Huh?
The whole thing recalls some kind of Oliver Sacks-penned case study where, because of some as-yet-unknown neurological disorder, a patient attends the loveliest of Christmas celebrations — but only in his dreams.
Like, he's surrounded by his family and friends, everything cast in a kind of glamorshot glow, then, suddenly, it all melts away and we see the dude sitting on a metal bed, slowly rocking back in forth with a sad, sweet smile on his face.
But don't worry, guys! He'll be home for Christmas once more. You know, in about 45 minutes when the retrograde amnesia sets in.
Standout lyric: "Thumpity thump thump/ thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go"
Aside from the fact that this song is essentially about a snowman coming to life and then dying all in the span of one day — nightmares — there is also the really visceral description of snowman locomotion.
Let's all just picture a snowman "thumping" over the hills of snow for a second here. Those chills aren't just courtesy of the cold emanating off Frosty's slowly decomposing body.
Standout lyric: "Oh, what a laugh it would have been/ If Daddy had only seen/ Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!"
Really? What child is super amped to witness their mother cheating on their father — especially with a dude who watches them while they're sleeping? I hope Santa brought you therapy this year, kid.
Standout lyric: "Say, what's in this drink?"
The answer better be "holiday cheer," sir.
Standout lyric: "When they found her Christmas mornin'/ At the scene of the attack/ There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back"
We get that this song is supposed to be a joke, but the regularity with which this extremely macabre Christmas tune is played — in malls! in the supermarket! every hour on the hour on your local radio station! — is a bit disturbing.
The details explicated therein of this brutal holiday murder are certainly enough to put one off one's Christmas goose.