What began as an innocuous list of talented celebrity tweeters ended as an out-and-out digital orgy last night, as Anna Kendrick, Olivia Wilde, Josh Groban, Rob Delaney, Zach Braff, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson more or less made out with each other, all at once, via the intertubes.
It all started when YahooOMG! released a list of their favorite famous Twitter feeds. With some of Hollywood’s most skilled composers of 140-character quips all tagged in a single tweet, it was only a matter of time before the replies began piling up. The first response was a glove to the inter-cheek of singer/songwriter Josh Groban by comedian Rob Delaney:
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 16, 2013
Followed by an epic burn from “Pitch Perfect” actress Anna Kendrick:
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) December 16, 2013
At which point things took a sudden, irretrievable turn for the uncomfortably erotic:
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) December 16, 2013
That got out of hand quickly! And once Zach Braff had gone all out with an offer to stroke everyone’s… Um, egos, there was no going back. All the actors involved (except Heidi Klum, who, perhaps wisely chose to keep a wide berth of the entire filthy ordeal) began an epic, rapid-fire spate of sexual innuendo, to the great delight of everyone; but especially each other.
And when the dust settled, the paternity of Olivia Wilde’s baby was suddenly in doubt, The Rock was very confused, and #annakendricknumberonepenis was trending worldwide. Okay, no it wasn’t. But it should have been.
Most importantly, Kendrick had declared her intent to write a fanfic about the whole convo — a fanfic for which we have “obtained” a titillating excerpt, which is 100% authentic and which we are definitely not making up. Read it and weep… with joy:
THE FANFIC: A SECRET EXCERPT
A heady scent hung thick in the air in the penthouse suite at the McKittrick Hotel, as six sweaty celebrities lay panting with delight all over the furniture and the floor.
“Well,” said Rob Delaney. “I’d better go shampoo my mustache.”
“You don’t have a mustache anymore,” replied Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. “I tore it from your face during that last round of passionate lovemaking, and I flung it over there.”
Across the room, Olivia Wilde stooped, scooped the disembodied mustache from the floor, and tucked it into her décolletage.
“I’m keeping this as a souvenir,” she declared, cinching the belt of her fur negligee tightly around her waist. “And bee tee dubs, you are all potential fathers of my child.”
Anna Kendrick, still clad in the black latex sex suit from American Horror Story and hanging upside down from the chandelier, leapt to the floor.
“I have a penis? This is fantastic news!” she cried, and ran from the room at a sprint.
Josh Groban looked up from the corner, having been accidentally flung across the room along with Rob Delaney’s mustache, and looked with wonder at his companions.
“You raised me up,” he said, pointing at Zach Braff. “You raised me up, so I could… ride that mustache.”
“I did,” Zach replied. “Don’t pretend you didn’t like it.”
And as the sun began to rise, Zach, glistening with the exertion of having made good on his promise to get it on everyone in the room, collapsed, exhausted, into the arms of The Rock.
“You are like a beef pillow,” Zach said.
“Yes,” said The Rock.
“I smell what the Rock is cooking,” Zach whispered. “I smell it so hard. I smell it with a nose I never knew I had, a nose I thought left me a long time ago. I smell it with the nose inside my soul.”
The Rock cradled him, and smiled.
“That’s the balsamic reduction,” The Rock said.
NOTE: The above is a work of parody, and no disrespect is meant to the celebrities involved. We only wish Anna Kendrick wrote this.