Yes, as promised, songwriter/producer/rapper Patrice Wilson
(“Friday”), has done it again, penning a mind-numbingly catchy/simplistic ode to … something and filming an accompanying video that raises sooo many questions.
While Wilson brushed off suggestions from MTV News that his quasi-Asian accent in “Chinese Food” was offensive or that it was a bit strange to see him hanging out with tween girls in their jammies in that song’s video, this time the studio wizard has really outdone himself.
Playing the part of the benevolent host of a “Mr. Rogers”’-like show called “Mr. Wilson’s Neighborhood,” the musical maestro plays creepy Cupid (alongside an actual creepy Cupid) to Gold as he tries to shove the tween singer and the object of her crush together at a school dance.
If it sounds odd, just you wait, it gets way odder, including drink lacing and what appears to be cannibalism. Here are our five favorite unintentionally creepy moments:
The video opens with a red grinning, sweater-wearing Wilson moving around the pieces on a tiny scale-model of a town, then peeking in on Gold while she sits in a swing in her room running through the alphabet. “A stands for anything you wanna have,” she sings as Wilson looms in the background. Maybe it should have been “A stands for AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! WHO IS THAT GUY!!!!!???”
Not The Van!!
Upset that Gold’s advances on her study buddy are failing (sidebar on this one: we think the object of Gold’s affection is a boy, but it’s kind of unclear, which is also weird), Wilson decides to intervene by flicking Gold’s house to get her attention. Why? So he can lure her into a sketchy customized van with flames on it called “Wilson’s Wagon.” Rule #1 kids: Never get in a stranger’s van (even if they have placed a welcome mat outside your door that reads: “Get In”.) C’mon, you know this!
Get Away From Me, Stupid Cupid
Not content that his van will do the trick alone, Wilson inserts a low-rent Cupid into the mix, a dude in a khaki jumpsuit, shades, a blue bandana and cheap fairy wings. Cewwwpid tries to shoot Gold’s androgynous love interest with a golden arrow … but misses, instead smashing a car window.
Since nothing is working, and just in case you weren’t already freaked out enough, Wilson goes into his secret stash of elixirs (which include “Motion Potion,” “H.A.P.P.Y. Potion,” “Chinese Food Potion” and, yes, “Tickle Potion”) and doses Gold’s punch with what he think is a love drug. Oops, it was “Puppet Potion” and now everyone at the dance is a furry puppet, including Wilson, who does his obligatory puppet rap.
What’s In The Eggroll?
Not content that his meddling has turned everyone at the school dance into a knock-off Muppet, Wilson tries one more time to bring his underage Juliet and ambiguous Romeo together by doling out another drop of potion. Of course, he screws up the bottles again and turns Gold’s intended into a plate of Chinese food (third callback!!!), which she then, ewww, starts chowing down on.
What’s your favorite creepy “ABCDEFG” moment? Let us know in the comments!