Halloween is right around the corner, which means that, for one day only, we get to judge people based solely on their appearance (as opposed to the other 364, when it’s what’s inside that counts). And you know how we mark the occasion: With sexy costumes, of course!
We’ve already seen plenty of Sexy Nurses, Sexy Cats and Sexy Palins. But this year, the “Sexy” craze has led to the creation of the most ridiculous costumes in Halloween history. (MTV News already saw the Sexy Miley costumes coming.)
But candy bars? Inanimate objects? Mythological creatures? They’ve all been given provocative makeovers in 2013, for reasons apparent only to their manufacturers (and the American Psychiatric Association, who will be profiting from the resulting dysfunctions for decades to come). If you’re still in the market for some last-minute nightmare fuel, well, you’re in luck: here’s our list of Halloween’s most needlessly sexy costumes.
A Sexy Shower: Hygiene has never been so hot. Sure, folks will probably stare at your fixtures, but that’s the point, isn’t it? As a bonus, the “vinyl skirt” could double as an actual shower curtain … or, at the very least, protect you from the myriad of fluids (tears, etc.) sure to be spilled throughout the night.
Sexy Blue Gnomes: Whatever you do, don’t call them “Sexy Smurfs.”
Sexy Pizza Slices: The perfect costume for the couple on the go, or the couple with Type 2 Diabetes, it comes complete with “pepperoni, olive, mushroom and pepper print detail,” none of which will cover your dignity.
A Sexy Phoenix: When you put on this costume, the Phoenix won’t be the only thing rising, if you know what we mean; your sense of shame may also go through the roof. Much better than this season’s other mythological offering: Zeus, in full “raping swan” regalia.
A Sexy Skunk: It’ll take more than a tomato-juice bath to remove the stink from this costume … Hope it was worth it!
A Sexy Three Amigo: By far this year’s sexiest costume based on a failed Steve Martin/Chevy Chase/Martin Short buddy pic from the 1980s. Especially great if you want to spend the entire night explaining the plot of “Three Amigos” to complete strangers.
A Sexy Snickers Bar: Because nothing says “sexy” like chewy nougat topped with caramel and peanuts, covered with milk chocolate.
A Sexy KISS Demon: Since Gene Simmons never misses an opportunity to make a quick buck, this one is “officially licensed.” Sadly, you’ve got to do the makeup yourself. If the $49.99 price tag gives you pause, fear not: you can usually find a Vinnie Vincent “Ankh Warrior” costume on deep discount somewhere.
A Sexy Border Patrol Agent: The hottest government job — seriously, have you ever been down to El Paso in July — gets even hotter with this costume, complete with “matching hat and border badges.”
A Sexy Hulk Hogan: Whatchu gonna do, Brother, when sexy Hulkamania runs wild on you?!?!
A Sexy Crayon: The fact that it only comes in “Neon Orange” is only like the fifth most ridiculous thing about this costume.