It’s official: The long-in-development “Warcraft” movie, based on the popular Blizzard games, is coming to theaters December 18, 2015. And all we know so far is that it will be directed by Duncan Jones (“Moon,” “Source Code”), released by Universal and produced by Legendary Pictures, recently freed from indentured servitude with Warner Brothers.
With that in mind — and far too many hours logged on to “World of Warcraft” — here’s some ideas of what you might be able to look forward to in the big-screen adaptation:
1. A Long Runtime
The first six hours of the movie will involve the main characters killing chickens, and then wolves to gain enough experience points and money to buy weapons; not to mention leveling up enough to actually go on an adventure. In case you haven’t guessed, this is going to be a really long movie.
Now, here’s what we’ve been waiting to see: Epic quests! Heroic journeys! Long grinds trying to collect various ingredients so a goblin can make a potion that you take to another goblin for yet another quest, which leads to a third quest, eventually granting our heroes the ability to use a dagger. This is probably about 10 hours into the movie.
3. Long Travels
Did you like the traveling sequences in the “Lord of The Rings” movies? Well, get ready for more of that, but even slower, as our heroes make their way across the land of Azeroth by foot. After several more hours of walking around, and questing, they’ll finally be able to use a horse (or other mount) to travel… But it’s still going to take forever.
4. Sudden Death
Once our heroes have finally suited up, grabbed their weapons and mounts, and are ready to take on whatever big bad evil is threatening the land, chances are some random guys from an entirely different “Warcraft” movie will jump in and kill them in a few seconds. Jerks.
Speaking of which, hope you guys like jumping. People in “Warcraft” love to jump. Like, too much.
6. Logging Out
One of the most exciting possibilities for “Warcraft” is that at random points, characters may just disappear from the movie for long stretches of time. This should actually be a great asset to production, because they can cast a bunch of random actors and have them rotate, based on availability.
7. 10 Really Difficult Fights
Like any good “WoW” run, our heroes will have to kill the ultimate bad guy at least 10 times in order to get him to drop the magical relic they want. This will take at least a full day, and most likely some n00b will mess it up right as our heroes are about to take down the Big Bad. And then they’ll need to start all over again. Eventually they’ll get the relic they need, the quest will be completed, and then they’ll spend at least an hour or two arguing about who should get to keep the relic.
8. No Ending
Just like the game never ends, the movie will never end, too. You’ll just keep watching, and watching, and watching…
OK, fine, we do know one other thing: the story will probably pull from the various single player games, and general mythology of the land of Azeroth, rather than the MMORPG version. But hey: it’s funnier this way.