On Wednesday, the white smoke cleared and the Roman Catholic Church had a new leader: Argentina’s Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who becomes Pope Francis I. He’s the first pope from outside Europe in the modern era — not to mention the first ever from South America — and he succeeds Pope Benedict XVI, who stepped down on February 28, citing advanced age.
Of course, Pope Francis is no spring chicken either (he’s 76), which might make reaching the all-important 12-24 demographic tough. After all, while he may be infallible, the new pope definitely doesn’t know who 2 Chainz is. Luckily, we’re here to help: we’ve thrown together a Papal Playlist, a special selection of appropriate tunes to be bumped on the pope’s iPod. Whether he’s saying mass in St. Peter’s Basilica or boxing out Benedict in the Vatican’s weekly pickup basketball game, we’ve the soundtrack to his every (very holy) move. Blasphemous? Probably, but you’re never going to convert the millennial masses with “Ave Maria.”
Beyonce, “Halo”: It’s one of her most stirring songs, and given that halos are present in the iconography of all religions, it will definitely help with the Church’s outreach program, which has sort of hit a snag over the last 1,000 years or so.
Carrie Underwood, “Jesus, Take The Wheel”: This exact thought was definitely going through Pope Francis’ head at some point today.
Chief Keef, “Hallelujah”: He’s currently incarcerated, which will certainly help bolster the new pope’s street cred, and we’re willing to bet the Holy Father can’t wait to shout a line like “Bitch, I’m cooler than a cooler.”
Drake, “Lord Knows”: It’s got Rick Ross on it, and at one point Drizzy mentions Mrs. Fields, which is certainly the holiest of all cookie-related franchises. Also, Drake’s sweater game is practically Papal at this point.
Frank Ocean, “Bad Religion”: A controversial choice, based on the title alone. Also, there’s a pretty good chance the pope frowns upon some of Frank’s life experiences. But, dude, did you see the version of this he did on Jimmy Fallon?
Kanye West, “Jesus Walks”: Also could have gone with “New God Flow,” but, like the rest of us, Pope Francis doesn’t like “Givenchy Kanye.”
Katy Perry, “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”: Lest we forget, that “G” stands for “God.”
Lady Gaga, “Judas”: He may not be the most popular apostle — what with the whole “betraying Jesus” thing — but he’s definitely the “bad boy,” and we all know how badly the Church could use some sexiness (of the consensual variety, of course).
Meek Mill, “Amen”: Even if this song was called something else, we’d probably still put it on this list … it rules that hard.
Rick Ross, “3 Kings”: Sure, there’s only one true king (it’s that Jesus guy, in case you weren’t sure), but, c’mon, it’s Rozay, Jay and Dre … together on one song. That’s certainly worth blaspheming about.
Any other picks for the Papal Playlist? Let us know in the comments below.