Golden Globes Hosts Tina Fey, Amy Poehler’s Opening Monologue Is A ‘Sexual Nightmare’

James Cameron is the source of much torture in Globes hosts' opening monologue.

The Golden Globes 2013 is an occasion to honor the television shows that have entertained us all year long, as well as the films that have only been in theaters for two days — at least that’s the case according to hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler .

Fey and Poehler kicked off their stint as Golden Globes hosts by taking shots at “the beautiful people of film” and “the rat-faced people of television,” though they both acknowledged that they won’t be as “offensive or edgy” as previous Globes host Ricky Gervais. “Because, as Ricky learned the hard way, when you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host the show two more times,” cracked Poehler.

Here’s what else we learned during Fey and Poehler’s opening monologue:

1. Fey and Poehler are concerned for Lena Dunham. “Lena, we love your show, but if they’re forcing you to do that nudity, you have to tell us,” Fey pleaded of the “Girls” creator and double-nominee. “Just give us some kind of signal, and we’ll inform child services.”

2. Poehler hasn’t paid attention to the “Zero Dark Thirty” torture controversy. “But when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron,” shot Poehler, to shock, awe and uncomfortable laughter from director Kathryn Bigelow and the rest of the Globes attendees.

3. We know what HFPA really means. “When left untreated, HFPA can lead to cervical cancer,” explained Poehler, before realizing she was actually explaining the definition of the disease HPV. “The HFPA stands for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association,” she corrected herself. “And when left untreated, it can lead to…”

4. We know why Ben Affleck set “Argo” in Iran. “His first two movies took place in Boston, but they moved this one to Iran because they wanted a place that was friendlier to outsiders,” according to Fey.

5. Even Anne Hathaway is vulnerable. Fey complimented the “Les Miserables” actress by saying she hasn’t seen a performer “so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.”

6. Hathaway’s future is very bright. Except for the fact that she doesn’t like having cameras in her face, which limits her future as a porn star. “I don’t think she has any plans to do porn, Amy,” Fey said on hearing Poehler’s joke. “Well, none of us have plans to do porn,” answered Poehler.

7. “The Hunger Games” isn’t just a movie. It’s also what Fey called the six weeks she spent trying to fit into her Globes dress.

8. “The Life of Pi” isn’t just a movie. It’s also what Poehler will call the six weeks she’ll spend outside of her Globes dress.

9. Also present at the Globes this year: Jennifer Lawrence, star of “Silver Linings Playbook,” and “Django Unchained” filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, “the star of [Fey's] sexual nightmares.”

10. Not present: Meryl Streep, who couldn’t make the show because she has the flu. “I hear she is amazing in it,” said Poehler.

11. Mandy Patinkin isn’t just the star of “Homeland.” He’s also a treasure of American musical theater, according to Fey and Poehler, making him the go-to judge to determine whether or not a musical sucks. Then again, Poehler’s unforgettable (read: awful) rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” from “Les Mis” got an “incredible” rating from Patinkin, so you might not want to take his reviews too seriously.

12. Finally, Daniel Day-Lewis is E.T.

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