2013 is all of three days old, which means you’ve probably gotten around to breaking your New Year’s resolution by now (Damn you, Angry Whopper!)
Don’t feel bad, you are certainly not alone in your failure; After all, who amongst us has not backtracked on our boldest of reinventions? Of course, if you’re still hitting the gym — or the Nicorette — like a beast, well congratulations on your amazing fortitude … we wish you all the best despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Either way, in an effort to either inspire or make you feel even worse about yourself, we’ve compiled some of your favorite artists’ (totally fictional) New Year’s resolutions, the overwhelming majority of which they’ve no doubt broken already. Because, you know, stars: they’re just like us!
In 2013, Brit will bless us with new music, and our sources tell us she even intends on singing this time around. She also promised herself that she’d perfect her many “X Factor” faces this year — even if the show may not have her back — which means she’ll spend an inordinate amount of time sitting in a dark room alternately smiling or crying … so, y’know, it’ll just be like any other year for her.
Niall promises to pass all his check-ups at the orthodontist! Zayn pledges to be “more smoldering!” Harry says he’ll continue to let Taylor Swift drape herself all over him, but only in places more public than Times Square ! The other two dudes will presumably do something this year too!
Having already pushed the boundaries of Instagram decorum , RihRih resolves to go for broke in 2013 by posting a series of “speculum-cam” photos, odes to Aleister Crowley and, uh, pics of Chris Brown. She will also record a duet with Michael Bolton, which may be more offensive than any of those things.
Sure, fatherhood may have kept him out of the studio last year, but in 2013, Jay promises to finish a new album . He will probably also get into a heated war of words with Brooklyn Nets guard Deron Williams over the team’s offensive system, and subsequently record a diss track about him, a la “Takeover.”
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
KimYe resolve to make every writer’s life a living hell in 2013 with the birth of their child and the endless stream of baseless speculation, secondary “stories” and “think” pieces that birth will inspire. Also, they’ll either name the kid Horus Isis Supermajesty Margiela Kardashian-West or Jason.
Resolves to make Harry put a ring on it, or die tryin’. She also pledges to stop making the “surprised face” when Red wins every single award in the universe this year.
In keeping with the precedent she set for ARTPOP , in 2013, Gaga promises to just capitalize everything, including her upcoming documentary with Terry Richardson , which will hit theaters in 4-D, since everyone knows Upper Case really pops in the fourth dimension.
In 2013, JB will finally be allowed to stay up late, since Jayden Smith doesn’t have to go to bed until 10 o’clock. Even on school nights.
She resolves to settle her long-simmering “Idol” beef with Mariah Carey in a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match, complete Randy Jackson playing the role of Jim Ross (“My Gawd, Dawg!”) and Keith Urban sitting there looking uncomfortable the whole time.
Really determined to lose the weight in 2013.
What’s your New Year’s resolution? Let us know in the comments below!