Lady Gaga has apparently written “like 50 songs” for her ARTPOP album, a process that seems like it could take an eternity, until you realize one of those songs is “Cake,” and there’s no way she spent more than five minutes on that one.
Relax, Monsters, we’re just joking. But we’re serious when we say that Gaga’s been working overtime on her new album, penning scores of songs with everyone from Azealia Banks to Zedd (in between watching “Liz & Dick,” one can assume). As she told one fan on Twitter, it’s the same process she used while making The Fame and The Fame Monster, though she’s not quite sure how she’ll end up selecting the final track list for ARTPOP, writing “I don’t know what will rise to the top.”
Of course, it’s entirely possible she won’t have to choose — after all, ARTPOP may come in two different “volumes” — but if she does, here are 10 ways we envision her whittling down her songbook … because, like the rest of you, we can’t wait for her to get this album out.
Pick 10 songs out of a Philip Treacy hat: Gaga’s already gone on record as calling him “the greatest milliner of all time,” so why not use one of Treacy’s over-the-top creations to select ARTPOP’s track listing? Of course, if she can’t fit the names of 50 songs into one of his creations, she could also use them as a sundial or a serving dish.
Use a dartboard: If she did this while wearing her Miller Lite bikini, it would be like Spring Break ’87 all over again, only no one would end up with a sweet panda tattoo and alcohol poisoning.
Rely on the powers of Lucifer: Since, apparently, Gaga is “a Satanist Illuminati Slave,” she could put the Dark Lord’s abilities to good use, and have him choose the songs for ARTPOP. The only downside to this (aside from eternal damnation)? There’d be nothing but metal on the album.
Let Terry Richardson pick: That way ARTPOP will be w-a-a-y more, um, provocative than you could possibly imagine.
Down a gallon of “The Fame” fragrance, let inspiration strike: This would basically be like robotripping, only with “notes of blood and semen” instead of just ’Tussin. Note: don’t attempt this at home.
Have those 35 fans who broke into her garage decide: They seem like well-adjusted bunch. Though we suspect, given their surroundings, they’d just choose songs about Gaga’s leaf blower, Mikita power tool set.
Employ a lottery system like the NBA draft: Only instead of Ping-Pong balls, Gaga would use $10,000 Swarovski crystal orbs to pick the songs. She could even get David Stern to supervise. As an added bonus, she’d probably end up with Anthony Davis playing center.
Seek Jo Calderone’s advice: He’d stub out his cigarette, wipe the grease off his hands, and turn ARTPOP into a Billy Joel album.
Write another song about choosing the songs on ARTPOP: At this point, what’s one more? Even if she doesn’t end up using it on this album, she’s got a head start on the next one.
Just release all the songs, accompanied with teaser clips: Especially if each of said teaser clips is like the one for “Cake.” Just sayin’.
How will Lady Gaga decide what makes the cut on ARTPOP? Give us your take in the comments below!