If you are unaware that Taylor Swift has a new album in stores, well, then one can logically assume you probably live in one of the five places on this planet where Papa John's doesn't deliver (a tree, a cave, the Fortress of Solitude, Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland) ... so perhaps this promotion isn't for you.
Still, as a service to the rest of us, we'd be remiss if we didn't point out Swift's latest promo master-stroke, a partnership with Papa John's pizza that will hand-deliver a copy of her brand-new Red album right to your doorstep — along with any large, one-topping pizza — for just $22.
Yes, it's all part of the "Taylor Swift Pizza Party," which gives fans the opportunity to add Red to any order for only $13 (or, save 40 percent off "any regular menu-price pizza" ordered online by using the promo code "40RED"), then sit back and listen to Swift's scathing tales of heartbreak and revenge while the Papa's signature pies singe the roof of their mouths.
And while, on just about any level, this promotional tie-in doesn't make a ton of sense, we here at MTV News have dug deep and uncovered some startling similarities between Papa John's and Swift's Red album, and we'd like to present them to you now. Because, really, it can't wait ... as the Papa's fine print clearly states, this offer is "valid 10/22 -- 10/28/12 ... while supplies last."
Papa John's "The Meats" = Red's "All Too Well": Like its name implies, this pie is made for "the meat lover in you," piled high with pepperoni, sausage, beef, hickory-smoked bacon and ham. That reminds us of Swift's beefiest of paramours, hunky actor Jake Gyllenhaal, who is most definitely the inspiration behind "All Too Well," Red's most heart-wrenching breakup tune.
Papa John's "Spicy Italian" = Red's "Holy Ground": Papa's Spicy Italian is packed with sausage and promises "a spicy Italian kick". Meanwhile, the sleuths at Vulture have discovered a connection between "Holy Ground" and another of Swift's former flames, Joe Jonas, who, according to Wikipedia, is of Italian descent. We can't vouch for his spiciness, however.
Papa John's "Tuscan Six Cheese" = Red's "Stay Stay Stay": An artery-clogging combo of "mozzarella, Parmesan, Romano, Asiago, provolone and Fontina", this one's cheesy for days, kind of like "Stay Stay Stay," which, while still about a relationship, does end with Taylor laughing "That's so fun!" And on an album of considerable heft, it's unquestionably the most delightfully cheeseball moment.
Papa John's "John's Favorite" = Red's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together": This one hits close to home. Once, during college, we thought it would be a good idea to battle a crippling hangover with Papa's founder John Schnatter's favorite pie, a mix of pepperoni, sausage and six cheeses (not to mention a "special blend of Italian herb seasonings"). Needless to say, the end result was some severe gastric distress, which led us to proclaim that we'd "never, ever" order it again. Kind of like Taylor ... only she's (maybe) talking about Gyllenhall again.
Papa John's "The Works" = Red's "I Knew You Were Trouble" One look at Papa's gut-busting mix of pepperoni, ham, spicy Italian sausage, onions, green peppers, mushrooms and black olives has us doubting its intentions before we even order it ... just like Taylor's wary dismissal of a would-be lover. Also, we imagine after eating it, our stomach would sound like dubstep too.