The phrase “Fiona Apple rant” is one of Google’s favorite word combinations. Both because it holds so much promise and also because the outspoken singer is kind of great at speaking her mind in ways that always shock/amuse/surprise.
Well, Apple was totally back on her game on Friday night, two days after she was busted for drug possession in the “don’t bring your hash to town” Texas border burg of Sierra Blanca, the scene of multiple previous star-related weed snafus (Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, Armie Hammer).
In a YouTube video (warning: strong language) of her show in Houston on Friday, Apple first apologized to the person who runs the Hudspeth County Jail for being “attitudey” following her arrest for possession of hash and marijuana. “Most of the people were very nice to me,” she continued. “There are four of you out there … and I want you to know I heard everything you did.”
Now, while Apple never specified what it is that these four rogues allegedly got up to while she was behind bars, she did provide her elaborate tale of documenting their supposed actions.
“I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said, stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you,” she said. “I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one’ and ‘holding cell two.’ In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the s— that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you f—ing famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your f—ing holding cell?”
A spokesperson for the Hudspeth County Sheriff’s office could not be reached for comment on Apple’s allegations at press time.