On Saturday, Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney and girlfriend Emily Ward tied the knot in a ceremony held at the Nashville home they share together.
It was, by all accounts, a pretty amazing affair, considering it was officiated by “Saturday Night Live” alumnus Will Forte, featured a prominent guest appearance by “the couple’s Irish wolfhound Charlotte” (who accompanied them down the aisle, according to reports) and was attended by the likes of Carney’s ’Keys mate Dan Auerbach and extreme sports hero/human torch Shaun White , who, as you’ve probably heard by now, had himself a rather good time at the proceedings.
And sure, White would subsequently spend the following day in a Nashville holding cell — after allegedly pulling a fire alarm in a hotel, attempting to flee the scene and kicking a guest — but who among us hasn’t ended up in the hoosegow after too much complimentary wedding booze? Open bars can be dangerous things, after all, and though White apologized for his “unwise choices,” we’d like to think that his postnuptial arrest only adds to the lore of the event. This is certainly one wedding that will go down in rock-and-roll history.
Sadly, we weren’t invited (mislabeling a Moonman is apparently an unforgiveable offense), which means we can only dream about everything we missed at the wedding itself. So here’s how we imagine the big day went down, with apologies in advance to the happy couple. Don’t get too mad, guys; our gift’s in the mail.
» Still smarting from “The Decision,” Carney extended an invite to fellow Akron-ian LeBron James, strung him along for six months, then announced in a televised press conference that he was instead awarding the RSVP to current Miami Heat guard Norris Cole, adding, “I’m taking my talents from South Beach.”
» Pre-ceremony Cheesy Bites hors d’oeuvres were provided by the good folks at Pizza Hut, who probably felt pretty bad about ripping off the Keys’ “Gold on the Ceiling,” even though they won’t admit it publicly . The Home Depot, on the other hand, are still totally being di–s about the whole thing.
» In keeping with ancient tradition, before exchanging vows, Carney was forced to wrestle his sworn enemies, which, in his case, included Nickelback , Spotify’s Sean Parker , Wolfgang Van Halen, several music critics and the entirety of Lady Gaga’s Little Monsters . As a result, the ceremony was subsequently postponed from its original date last month.
» Fellow Nashville resident Jack White showed up, just to shake his head derisively.
» After Carney and Ward exchanged vows, Forte took it upon himself to re-enact the final scene of “MacGruber,” which involved him tossing Val Kilmer off a cliff, shooting him with a machine gun, incinerating his corpse and then urinating on the ashes. It seemed sort of forced, to be honest.
» Dancing machine Derrick Tuggle led guests through an impassioned version of the electric slide.
» During dinner, Shaun White stole the mic from Carney’s best man and delivered a long-winded speech that was deemed by guests to be “inappropriate,” “slightly terrifying” and “oddly touching yet incredibly sad.” He’d then attempt to do a kick-flip over an ice sculpture. White would eventually chalk it all up to another “unwise decision.”
» Musical entertainment was provided by frequent Keys collaborator Danger Mouse, who broke out of his shell and spoke three whole words during the ceremony.
» Auerbach stroked his beard at one point.
» Despite being the hottest ticket of the Nashville social season, and displaying a blue-collar ethos that distanced itself from flashier, less-accomplished ceremonies, Carney and Ward’s wedding would ultimately be dismissed by rock journos as “derivative” and “unoriginal,” who chose instead to praise the “baroque production” and “latticework melodies” of Grizzly Bear’s nuptials.