Early Sunday morning, “Jersey Shore” star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi gave birth to her first child, a 6-pound 5-ounce boy named Lorenzo Dominic LaValle . Lil’ Lorenzo’s arrival was celebrated by Snooki’s “Shore” co-stars — including brand-new “uncle” Pauly D, who wasted no time bestowing an appropriate nickname on the bundle of joy, “Meatball” — and we’d like to join them in offering our sincerest congratulations to both the Snookster and Lorenzo’s proud papa, Jionni LaValle.
But since Lorenzo’s already got a cool nickname (not to mention more “Shore” onesies than we can possibly imagine), we figured that our congrats probably aren’t enough. So we’ve decided to give him the next best thing: some life advice. Sure, he may be one day old, but it’s never too early to start planning ahead. Here are some do’s and don’ts for the newest member of the MTV family, in the hopes that all of his days are as magical as his first.
DO consider trademarking the phrase “Meatball.” Not sure if this is even legally possible, but imagine the possibilities … babywear, spicy strollers, a cookbook like Teresa Giudice’s where you toss your fellow “Shore” offspring under the bus for only being “one-sixteenth Italian.” Never too early to start building your brand, bro.
DON’T bring “Ron Ron Juice” to second-grade story time.
DO use Uncle Pauly’s connections to score a residency at Karma. We’ve been waiting 20 years for the American answer to Jordy.
DON’T forget, when talking to Aunt JWoww, it’s “eyes up here, mister.”
DO get a part-time job at the Shore Store. What better way to learn the value of a hard-earned dollar than ironing slogans like “DTF” onto the butts of sweatpants? Also, given everything we’ve seen on the show, Danny doesn’t even require his employees to show up on time … or be conscious, for that matter.
DON’T go to Italy. Beautiful place, but could turn out to be a disaster.
DO take nutritional advice from your mom. After all, pickles are low in saturated fat and a good source of Vitamin A … and sodium puts hair on your chest.
DON’T listen to Aunt Sammi about anything. Especially relationships.
DO get a tetanus shot before setting foot in any Seaside Heights hot tub.
DON’T ever ask mommy about “the Smoosh Room.”
DO carry on the proud traditions of your ancestors by returning to the Shore each summer, honoring the holy trinity of “Gym, Tan, Laundry.” At the very least, it will lead to the inevitable “Jersey Shore Juniors” spinoff.
DON’T listen to any of our advice. After all, we’re the ones who had to work this weekend while you were being born.
What advice do you have for Lorenzo LaValle? Leave your comment below.