UNIVERSAL CITY, California — " 'Twilight'! 'Hunger Games'! These words generate goodwill."
Indeed they do, Mr. Brand! Proving he knows the MTV Movie Awards audience well, this year's host frequently retreated into the phrases "Twilight!" and "Hunger Games!" to liven up the audience, but he didn't need to. His opening monologue simply killed as the motormouthed English comedian launched into a rapid-fire set playfully attacking a wide variety of targets including Justin Bieber, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Charlie Sheen, John Travolta, MTV, his own short-lived "celebrity marriage" to Katy Perry and ... Michael Fassbender's penis.
"Tonight is an important ceremony because according to the Mayans, the world will end in December this year," he pointed out. "If Earth hurtles into the sun and humanity is destroyed, we will all say as one: 'We had the MTV Movie Awards 2012 and it was worth it!' But let's not worry about the impending doom of our planet now. We have vital issues to discuss. One, Justin Bieber beat up a paparazzi. Well done, Justin!"
Brand called Bieber "so pretty" that "even if he was attacking me, I think I would do a little orgasm." He imagined that even if he has to go to jail, that "as the horror of incarceration closes in on him and the nightly gang beatings in the shower tangle that beautiful body," some part of him will think, 'Hey, at least I got away from them bloody screaming girls!' "
Brand also pointed out that while it may be hypocritical of him to make fun of someone for tangling with the paps, "wait till you hear what I've got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages!"
Newly minted couple Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (or "Can-Ye," as he repeatedly pronounced it) were his next target. "I admire Kanye a lot. His drunken stage invasion at the last MTV award show I hosted took a lot of pressure off me, like watching someone else get in trouble at school."
Brand said Kim took a lot of pressure off of him with her "world record quick marriage. Thanks Kim!" He then wished openly that the pair would release a sex tape, which earned hoots and cheers from the crowd. "I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes. They're always brilliant but he only does one a decade." He did have some specific performance advice for West: "Don't drink before the sex tape. Learn the lessons of the VMAs!"
Since Kanye wasn't at the Movie Awards on Sunday, Brand turned to Charlie Sheen to distract the audience with crazy antics should he start to say anything that might endanger his green card. "I've taped a bottle of Hennessey and a gram of coke under your chair. In case I start going crazy, just nick it and do a couple of lines. Release the 'tiger blood' hero!"
Then it was Fassbender's turn. "I think Fassbender should be roundly condemned for profiting from sex addiction," he said of the "Shame" star. "I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I'm embarrassed to admit that at the time I didn't notice his huge, engorged talent as I was too busy staring at his massive co--. I deliberately removed all erotic content from this monologue 'cause he's only there in the second row and if I get him too aroused, I may lose an eye. Fassbender's pink pipe of acting wonder! That's a good skill for an X-Man." Fassbender laughed along during the whole bit.
"Hunger Games! Twilight!" These crowd inciting phrases continued to surface.
" 'Hunger Games' is a story about a dystopia where poor people are humiliated for the amusement of an elite class. That will obviously never happen! Do stay tuned after the show for the new season of 'Teen Mom,' where pregnant women are laughed at for money!"
Brand took a few minutes to shill for his upcoming "Rock of Ages," but managed to keep the below-the-belt theme going by talking about his costar Alec Baldwin, "a man so macho he actually has hair on the shaft of his penis." He called the movie the best musical since "Grease" and said to honor that movie, he prepared for the Movie Awards by giving John Travolta a massage. "He needed it, man. He was so stiff, I'm telling ya!"
The monologue wrapped with the animated and smiling host taking a few shots at himself. "The last time I did an MTV awards show, I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for my next wife. ..."
"Fassbender! I'm going to go get some massage oil off Travolta. Michael, meet me in my dressing room."