On Tuesday (May 1), Jessica Simpson and her fiancé, Eric Johnson, welcomed their first child to the world: a nine-pound baby girl named Maxwell Drew Johnson.
“We are so grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!” the couple wrote on Simpson’s official site. And while we’re really happy for them, we do hope they know that their real work begins now: Parenting, it would seem, is pretty tough (who knew?).
So, as our gift to the new family, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to throw together five important life lessons that Mama Simpson should pass along to her baby girl … all in due time, of course. Right now, just enjoy your brand-new bundle of joy! Congrats, you crazy kids.
Chicken of the Sea: Not Actually Chicken: In perhaps the defining moment of her “Newlyweds” show, J.Simp learns firsthand that just because it says “Chicken of the Sea” on the can, doesn’t mean there’s poultry inside. And that’s an important thing to pass along to her daughter. Come to think of it, so is this little fact: Buffalo wings are not made of buffalo.
Never Bet on Tony Romo in the Playoffs: Especially if you’ve just been on a Mexican vacation with him. This is, of course, in reference to Simpson’s former boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys QB Romo, who followed up the couple’s whirlwind South of the Border getaway with an absolute stinker of a playoff game against the rival New York Giants. Romo completed just half of his passes, tossed a back-breaking interception late in the game, and the ’Boys lost 21-17. The local press dubbed the whole incident “Cancungate,” and Simpson forever earned the ire of Cowboys diehards.
Start Your Own Fashion Line: Look, we know Maxwell is, like, three hours old at this point, but it’s never too early for her to start her own collection of baby shoes, bags, sunglasses and accessories. Just look how well it worked out for Mommy: Her Jessica Simpson Collection is carried in more than 650 department stores across the U.S. and generated $750 million in sales in 2010, making it the most successful celebrity line in the world.
Stay Away From John Mayer: Otherwise you may be subjected to a free-ranging Playboy interview in which he compares you to crack cocaine and “sexual napalm,” drops the n-bomb and refers to a particular part of his anatomy as “sort of a white supremacist.” Seriously, you should avoid this dude at all costs.
Don’t Make Fun of Your Cousin’s Name: Even if it is Bronx Mowgli .
Share your well-wishes for Jessica and Maxwell in the comments!