The winners of the 2012 Golden Globes have already been tabulated by the briefcase-toting folks at Ernst & Young and announced to the world.
But wins by the likes of “The Artist” and “The Descendants” only tell us part of the story. Who truly came out on top Sunday evening? Who didn’t get a chance to take the stage and thank every single person they’ve ever known and many who they’ve never met? Let’s take a look at true winners and losers at the ceremony.
Winner: Ricky Gervais
Ricky Gervais made a triumphant return to the Globes’ stage after last year’s controversy, winning over Hollywood frenemies and delivering a very funny opening monologue.
Loser: Ricky Gervais
The comedian might have talked a big game heading into the show, but Gervais’ performance was a restrained one after last year’s hullabaloo. What’s great about the comedian is how he coats a witty mean-spiritedness with kindly, winking, you-know-I-still-love-you sugar. When your biggest dig is a fish-in-the-barrel attack on “The Tourist,” you know you’ve caved to the worrywarts in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Loser: “The Tourist”
Two years running, the show’s laughingstock. Not even its star, Johnny Depp, felt compelled to rescue this dud from Gervais’ verbal assault.
Winner: The dog from “The Artist”
Not only did his tricks onstage make for the night’s most-adorable acceptance-speech moment, but he was the only winner whose backstage urination was socially acceptable, rather than drunken and embarrassing.
Winner: Christopher Plummer
At the age of 82, the “Beginners” star is finally getting his moment. The only way Plummer could be more graceful and loveable would be if he’d broken into a tune from “The Sound of Music” after thanking his wife of 40 years.
Winner: Seth Rogen’s penis
The actor stood next to Kate Beckinsale. His member stood at attention. And the audience laughed and laughed and laughed.
Winner: Martin Henderson
Peter Dinklage’s suggestion during his speech to Google Henderson’s name brought much attention to the plight of the little-known man, who was seriously injured in a dwarf-tossing incident.
Loser: Viola Davis
It’s hard to consider the “Help” star a loser this awards season, considering how many wins she’s already collected, but her loss to Meryl Streep stands out as the biggest snub of the Globes. We hope we can add Davis to the winners’ circle come Oscar night.
Loser: Meryl Streep’s glasses
Though Streep won Best Actress in a Drama, her spectacles abandoned her in her time of need, leaving the “Iron Lady” star unable to read her speech and consequently cursing up a storm. On second thought, perhaps we should shift this one over to “Winner.”
Winner: Bryan Cranston
He might have inexplicably lost to Kelsey Grammer for best actor in a TV drama, but anyone watching the boob tube in 2011 knows that Cranston’s turn in “Breaking Bad” was the finest performance of the year.
Winner: Reese Witherspoon’s stylist
The dress was perfect. The hair was perfect-er.
Madonna won an award. She delivered the night’s biggest slam on Gervais’ shoulders. She looked great.
Loser: Anyone in a category with Kate Winslet
This is pretty much a perennial fact: Kate Winslet does not lose at awards shows. Sorry, other very-talented ladies. Kate Winslet does not lose at awards shows.