This week, the top five on "American Idol" were ... [Clip: Randy Jackson shouts, "IN IT TO WIN IT!"] Actually, no, I was going to say "working a double shift," considering they had to sing one recent hit and a song from the '60s, which apparently is a decade made up only of ballads! Without further clich&233;-slinging, here's the rest of this week's "American Idol" in 60 Seconds script:
Sheryl Crow stopped by to ... What was she doing there again?
[Clips of Sheryl Crow singing every chance she got.]
Oh, Sheryl, if you're trying to audition, you want to be at "X Factor." [Whispers] They don't have an age limit there.
So basically, all the boys were ... [Clip: Randy Jackson shouts, "IN IT TO WIN IT!"] Actually, no, I was going to say "pitchy nightmares," filled with crazy faces [Scotty], armpits [James], tears [more James] and eleganza [Jacob]!
But the judges only sharpened their knives for Haley, who clawed her way back from an unfair first judging to deliver a show-stopping "House of the Rising Sun." But don't let those standing ovations fool you, girl. Fight the real enemy!
[Jim rips up a picture of executive producer Nigel Lythgoe à la Sinead O' Connor and the Pope on "SNL."]
On Thursday night's results show, they sold a book no one's reading [Steven Tyler's memoir], an album no one's buying [J. Lo's Love?] and a website nobody uses. [Show footage from the "Idol"/Bing commercial.]
And then they were ... [Clip: Randy Jackson shouts, "IN IT TO WIN IT!"]
Then they visited "Hell's Kitchen" to prove that Lauren's good at everything and Jacob doesn't know what a wiener tastes like. Puh-leaze.
[Singing to the tune of Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now," as footage of Lady Antebellum's "Idol" performance plays.] It's a quarter after 8, results are coming late, and your song isn't as good as your other one.
Group one, group two, Scotty blah blah blah, meltdown! [Show Lauren's perfect tear rolling down her cheek.]
[Clip: "The person leaving us tonight is Jacob." Jim gazes into a hand mirror. He is wistful and reflective.]
America, YOU are in it to win it.
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