Jim Cantiello’s “American Idol” in 60 Seconds recaps have been an institution at MTV News since Sanjaya’s Reign of Terror. But sometimes, the lightning-quick pace moves by so fast, you occasionally miss a joke, comment or sight gag. So, as a courtesy to our loyal watchers, we’re publishing the full script of Jim’s latest recap.
This week, the top nine (and Scotty’s groupies) tackled rock and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame artists!
[Clip of Steven Tyler singing James Brown. And high kicking. For no reason.]
Wait, is Steven competing now? Can we vote him off?
Will.i.am mentored the top nine while speaking in funny voices and refusing to make eye contact with them. [Will.i.am exclaims, "Sammy!"]
Pia listened to the judges and finally did a fast song, Casey listened to the judges and finally did a bass song, and Jacob listened to his conscience and stopped a Gaye song. (Marvin Gaye, that is.)
[Clip of Jacob: "If I'm in the bottom three, it will be because America won't be ready to look at themselves in the mirror."]
[Jim has a mirror at his desk.] But Jacob, I am looking in the mirror. And my reflection’s telling me that your performance was terrible.
But wait, can we go back to Pia and discuss that outfit?
[Clip of Michael Kors from old-school "Project Runway" saying, "The crotch on those pants is insane!!"] Thank you, Michael Kors.
On the results show it was headache [shot of Russell Brand], nightmare [shot of Gwen Stefani giving fashion advice], nausea [shot of Harry Levin and his TMZ crew], and then a sleazy rocker came back to relive his glory days when really everyone just wanted him to button up his shirt. [Shots of Iggy Pop performing, but Jim cuts off the editor.]
Oh, no, no, no. I liked Iggy Pop. I was talking about Constantine. [Clip of Constantine Maroulis: "Am i gonna get judged here?"] Oh, you’re getting judged.
And results!! Goodbye, Stefan-OH WAIT! Pia’s going home?! Stop the clock!
[Clip of a teary J.Lo: "I have no idea what just happened here.]
I’ll tell you what just happened here. You and your pals told Pia that she was perfect every week, when in actuality, she had the personality of wallpaper. But if you had done your job and given her notes to improve her stage presence three weeks ago, chances are Pia would have worked on that. She does, after all, strike me as a perfectionist. Maybe then, America would have fallen in love with her as much as they were in love with her voice.
Steven, do you have anything to say for yourself?
[Clip of Steven Tyler: "A mistake is a mistake, but a lack of passion is unforgiveable."]
This coming from the man who pretended to be asleep Wednesday night? Oh, hold my earrings. Randy Jackson, final thoughts?
[Clip of Randy: "I'm mad, and I don't get upset!"]
Oh, you never get angry, do you? Well, you also don’t pay attention. Because you, of all people, should know that the cray-crays who vote a zillion times for their favorite contestant are mostly girls. And who have the girls been voting for, especially in the last three seasons? Boys! If only there was a way for you to protect the female talent, and saved that stupid judges’ save for someone with, you know, a vagina! Just sayin’! Hashtag it!
And another thing, Randy Jackson. If you’re going to sit there and tell everybody that they’re amazing and beautiful and perfect and awesome, you have no right to act shocked or angry when the bottom three is announced. Don’t think I didn’t notice when you got all huffy once Haley was safe, even though the night before you said the old brilliant Haley was “back-ack-ack-ack-ack.”
It is you three who need to look in a mirror. Boom fiyah!
OK, you can start the clock again.
[The clock continues.]
Does anybody know when “The Voice” premieres?
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