Ever wish you could watch a snuff film about the death of a relationship? You’re in luck. Check out the embedded video to catch my five favorite moments of this week’s intense “Jersey Shore.”
While blowing off steam on the boardwalk, Ronnie and Pauly D walked by Sammi and Deena. Turns out Sam’s eyesight is as good as her taste in men: As Ronnie passes by with Pauly, Sammi asks Deena, “Was he with a girl? I think he was with a girl!”
Ok, OK, in Sammi’s defense, Pauly D does look exactly like the sister from “Dinosaurs.”
4. How Not to Apologize, Part I
It’s been about two seconds since we’ve last watched Sammi and Ronnie rehash the crap that went down in Miami. Will the 9 millionth time be any different? Let’s find out!
Sammi: “How could you sit there and look me in the face, watch me cry, lie to my face?”
Ron: “I have enough respect and love for you to f—ing admit what i did was f—ing wrong and is shameful and disrespectful … ”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did Ronnie just officially apologize?
Ron: ” … You’re so f—ing dumb and hardheaded that you can’t even admit what you did to me in Atlantic City was wrong, what you did to me at Jersey Shore was wrong. Be a woman and man up for once. I had a reason to sh– on you in Miami. Realize that.”
And that was how not to apologize, brought to you by RonRon Juice. “RonRon Juice: ‘Roid rage in a bottle™.”
3. The Fight
Freshly broken up — yes, they broke up — Ronnie and Sammi’s fighting escalated to insaaaane new heights. Did anyone else want to cry uncle every 30 seconds this episode?
Congratulations, Sharon Stone in the third hour of “Casino”: You are no longer the most hysterical woman I’ve ever seen on my television!
2. How Not to Apologize, Part II
Sammi retaliated by skanking it up at a club with a dude who belonged on HotGuysWhoLookLikeLesbians.com, and Ronnie wasn’t havin’ it. So he retaliated by trashing all of Sammi’s crap, including her glasses. Dude, come on, now. Grow the f— up.
And that brings us to yet another installment of “How Not to Apologize.”
Ron: “You f—ing disrespected me in front of my face. What i did in Miami, at least I had enough respect for you to do it to you while you’re not around.”
Yes, Ronnie. Nothing says respect like three-way kissing two girls at a club behind your current girlfriend’s back and then stumbling home and having sex with your girlfriend the same night. Oh. And reality-TV cameras are documenting all of it. That is the epitome of respect.
1. Sneaker Pimp
Despite all the drama, which ended with Sammi leaving the house, Pauly D kept his priorities straight.
Pauly D: “I’m over here trying to clean my sneakers. I can’t concentrate! All this fighting! They’re talking about relationships, my sneakers are dirty!”
Pauly D, for making me laugh in the midst of one of the biggest, most upsetting blowups in reality-TV history, I salute you. And your bottle of 409.
Don’t miss “Jersey Shore,” airing Thursday nights at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.