Ever wish you could watch a snuff film about the death of a relationship? You're in luck. Check out the embedded video to catch my five favorite moments of this week's intense "Jersey Shore."
While blowing off steam on the boardwalk, Ronnie and Pauly D walked by Sammi and Deena. Turns out Sam's eyesight is as good as her taste in men: As Ronnie passes by with Pauly, Sammi asks Deena, "Was he with a girl? I think he was with a girl!"
Ok, OK, in Sammi's defense, Pauly D does look exactly like the sister from "Dinosaurs."
4. How Not to Apologize, Part I
It's been about two seconds since we've last watched Sammi and Ronnie rehash the crap that went down in Miami. Will the 9 millionth time be any different? Let's find out!
Sammi: "How could you sit there and look me in the face, watch me cry, lie to my face?"
Ron: "I have enough respect and love for you to f---ing admit what i did was f---ing wrong and is shameful and disrespectful ... "
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did Ronnie just officially apologize?
Ron: " ... You're so f---ing dumb and hardheaded that you can't even admit what you did to me in Atlantic City was wrong, what you did to me at Jersey Shore was wrong. Be a woman and man up for once. I had a reason to sh-- on you in Miami. Realize that."
And that was how not to apologize, brought to you by RonRon Juice. "RonRon Juice: 'Roid rage in a bottle."
3. The Fight
Freshly broken up — yes, they broke up — Ronnie and Sammi's fighting escalated to insaaaane new heights. Did anyone else want to cry uncle every 30 seconds this episode?
Congratulations, Sharon Stone in the third hour of "Casino": You are no longer the most hysterical woman I've ever seen on my television!
2. How Not to Apologize, Part II
Sammi retaliated by skanking it up at a club with a dude who belonged on HotGuysWhoLookLikeLesbians.com, and Ronnie wasn't havin' it. So he retaliated by trashing all of Sammi's crap, including her glasses. Dude, come on, now. Grow the f--- up.
And that brings us to yet another installment of "How Not to Apologize."
Ron: "You f---ing disrespected me in front of my face. What i did in Miami, at least I had enough respect for you to do it to you while you're not around."
Yes, Ronnie. Nothing says respect like three-way kissing two girls at a club behind your current girlfriend's back and then stumbling home and having sex with your girlfriend the same night. Oh. And reality-TV cameras are documenting all of it. That is the epitome of respect.
1. Sneaker Pimp
Despite all the drama, which ended with Sammi leaving the house, Pauly D kept his priorities straight.
Pauly D: "I'm over here trying to clean my sneakers. I can't concentrate! All this fighting! They're talking about relationships, my sneakers are dirty!"
Pauly D, for making me laugh in the midst of one of the biggest, most upsetting blowups in reality-TV history, I salute you. And your bottle of 409.
Don't miss "Jersey Shore," airing Thursday nights at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.