This week on "Glee," we learned that when Sue Sylvester gets bored, she chases some crazy-pants thrill that inevitably sets off a chain of events that threaten to rip apart the social fabric of McKinley and possibly kill some people along the way, which is, really, just standard-issue drama for the Gleeks.
The episode kicked off with the Cheerios' firepower-heavy rendition of Katy Perry's "California Gurls," a spectacle of skimpy costumes, BMX tricks and sparks-shooting bras that still left Coach Sue cold. So that meant bringing in the big guns — literally. As a solution to her pom-pom ennui, Sylvester scored a cheerleader-flinging cannon as a means to take the squad's stunts to new heights. When Principal Figgins objected, she started trashing his office and equipment room before making another bold announcement: she's moving the cheerleader competition to the same night as the football championship.
So where did that leave the team? Stuck rocking their own halftime show; a situation which was further complicated by the fact that Mr. Schuester and Coach Shannon insisted all the anti-glee club football players join New Directions for a week to quell the feuding within the team. Using the example of the Filipino prisoners who stopped getting into trouble during the four months they practiced for a jailhouse rendition of Michael Jackson's "Thriller," Schuester decided they should take on the game-changing smash, modernizing it by mashing it up with the Yeah Yeah Yeah's acid jam "Heads Will Roll." But even after Rachel and Puck's soulful rendition of Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now," the ballers and belters still erupted into a fight, nearly ripping each other's heads off.
Forced to get their sing on, the footballers turned up to practice, where Schuester told lead bully Karofsky that he's get a decent voice — a compliment that appeared to empower him enough to ask Finn to team up for a warm-up number. Pairing their faux undead maquillage with letterman jackets, the team eased into the glee thing by busting out a rendition of The Zombies "She's Not There." But just as they strolled out into the hallway, still buzzing from the high of owning the stage, they got doused with slushees by the wannabe cool kids on the hockey team. Washing the makeup and the sugary ice from their eyes, Karofsky and his crew decided to ditch both New Directions and the football team, which put the future of the team in jeopardy. And due to Sylvester's nonstop meddling campaign Santana, Brittany and Quinn were forced to quit glee club or commit "social suicide" by giving up their high-school supremacy as cheerleaders. (Actually, Sylvester got Brittany to stay on the team and get thrown from the cannon by convincing her it had baby cannons that would die if their mother remained out of work.)
Elsewhere, the New Directions rivals at Dalton Academy were getting along swimmingly, as Blaine helmed an acappella version of Destiny's Child's "Bills, Bills, Bills," rocking out the sassy DC3 jam in a plush practice room with his other blazer-sporting glee-club members. He also proved helpful when Rachel, Mercedes and Kurt sat down for coffee and he told the ladies that the football team — which was down to five after the Karofsky contingent bounced — only needed four more players in order to compete at the championship.
Come game day Rachel, Mercedes, Tina and Lauren marched down the field ready to take on the competitors. Not surprisingly, the novice football players were quickly trounced, but not before Tina scooped up the ball and bolted toward the end zone in a moment of courage. When she was sacked, the whole field gasped and Mike rushed over to, you know, make sure she's not dead. Everyone's spirits were lifted when she rolled over and asked, "Did we win?" After Tina's tackle, Finn convinced Brittany, Quinn and Santana to ditch the Cheerios and head to the game for the big "Thriller" number, while Puck wrangled up the departed football players.
The New Directions crew turned out the long-awaited "Thriller" revamp, with the guys stiffly marching across the field in tattered, filthy uniforms and the ladies working disheveled bag lady looks topped with unkempt locks. The glee-clubbers moaned, writhed and staggered along, throwing the crowd into a frenzy as they belted the chorus to "Heads Will Roll" before segueing into the Jackson's lyrics. Even after stubbornly hating on the Gleeks all episode long and fearing the loss of his cool-kid status, Karofsky immediately jumped in as soon as he saw the crowd get live and they ended the mash-up as a team.
Newly unified, the fellas hit the locker room to celebrate, and after seeing how the creepy zombie look empowered the guys, Coach Shannon told them not to take off the makeup. So they kept up the undead act, moaning and freaking out the other team, until they eventually took back the field.
With her ego badly bruised, Sylvester imagined a sit-down with Katie Couric, who tells her that she beat out the economy and Brett Favre's cell phone to be named "Loser of the Year" for letting her seventh national cheerleading championship slip through her fingers. Sue didn't take the news well, seething, "I hate you Diane Sawyer."
Even though they owned the gridiron and the big song-and-dance number, Karofsky ultimately made it clear to Finn that he's not willing to risk the social consequences of staying in glee club. But Quinn, who actually hit the halls of McKinley without her red-and-white Cheerios garb, made it clear that she has no plans to revert back to her old ways as a status-obsessed cheerleader. She did, however, show there is one thing she wanted to salvage from her past, planting a kiss on Finn and telling him his bravery was why she loved him before strolling away.
What did you think of "Glee" this week? Let us know in the comments!