On Thursday night, the “Jersey Shore” crew returned to the land that made them famous: Seaside Heights. Yes, after 13 episodes in Miami, they’re finally back in the land of unironic jean shorts, novelty tees and happy-go-lucky steroid users. (And that’s just the children who visit Seaside.)
But there’s a new girl in town: Snooki’s friend (and instant superstar) Deena . She won me over as soon as she described herself as a “blast in a glass.” Her ingredients: two parts Snooki, one part Madame the puppet and a splash of Milania Giudice from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Within five hours of arriving at the house, she managed to drunkenly show the Situation her lady parts and call one of her roommates the C-word. So, really, how can you not relate to her?
These “Jersey” episodes were taped just a little while after the cast hit up Miami, so the Florida wounds are still fresh. Thank the pop-culture gods for that, because otherwise we wouldn’t have had the guttural “ugh” that JWoww burped out upon seeing her mortal enemy Sammi in the Jersey house for the first time. Best moment ever.
Sammi and Ronnie are still dating, having survived the tumultuous Miami trip that found Sammi lying in a bed and whining for two months straight while Ronnie put his face in strangers’ cleavage any chance he got. Back in Jersey, they’re the first ones to arrive. Because they’re vile, hateful people, they take the upstairs room that has three beds, meaning one of the (single) roomies will have to be the third wheel to their dysfunction at nighttime. Or, really, any time of the day, because all Sammi ever does is lie in bed. (The Situation ends up being the low man on the totem pole. Hope you like watching a girl ugly-cry and pet her hair extensions, buddy!)
Snooki’s back and bronzer than ever. (You know the law of sequels. The first sequel is always bloodier than the original. And this one has more spray tan.) This time, Snooki’s determined to hook up with Vinny again, even though she described their first failed attempt at coitus as putting “a watermelon in a pinhole.” You might say that sounds horrific, but Snooki obviously has a thing for gigantic … personalities.
While Snooki tried to mack on Vinny, Deena slapped a flower on her head and set her sights on the Situation. As any “Jersey Shore” viewer could tell you, Sitch would normally jump at the chance to get with a girl who is so drunk she can barely stand, but shockingly, he turned her down.
Sammi laughed at Deena’s sloppiness, Deena responded by calling her the C-word, and Ronnie started yelling at Deena because he realized he hadn’t done anything this episode and wanted some screen time. Eventually, Sammi joined the fight, the C-word was thrown around some more, and the episode ended with JWoww walking up to Sammi and swinging. Bam.
So, in other words, same sh–, different day.
I’m so glad “Jersey Shore” is back.
What were your favorite moments? What are your thoughts on Deena joining the show? Are you Team Sammi or Team Everyone Else? On a scale of 100 to 100, how awesome was DJ Pauly D’s mom? (More of her please, producers!) And finally, why aren’t you following me on Twitter already? The name’s @jambajim. Please wear it out.
Don’t miss “Jersey Shore,” airing Thursday nights at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.