As expected, MTV Video Music Awards host Chelsea Handler opened with a bang.
In a pre-taped clip, the comedienne makes her way to the stage (and gets slapped on the butt a couple of times along the way). She meets up with troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, who pokes fun at her own struggles with sobriety before giving Handler a bit of advice: “Don’t embarrass me.”
It went over pretty well, as did Handler’s monologue.
She dropped down to the stage Lady Gaga-style, wearing a house on her head and a glittery outfit. She punched a clicker and the garage went up, then she dipped her head out and joked, “Sorry. That’s as far as we got in rehearsal.”
Her outerwear was removed, revealing a short black dress. She told the crowd, “My plan was to stay sober the entire show, but, in an interesting twist, I am as high as a kite. That’s the last time I do a prayer circle with Snoop Dogg.”
Handler talked about the last time a woman — Roseanne Barr — hosted the VMAs, which was in 1994.
“Justin Timberlake was in the Mickey Mouse Club pretending he wasn’t having sex with Britney Spears. The Situation was just a classy way to call teenage pregnancy. And Justin Bieber’s mom had just given birth to her 401k plan.”
Handler also had a bit of advice for her audience of celebrities: Be bad.
“I want to encourage everyone to be on their worst behavior. And I’m not just talking about some predictable awards show girl-on-girl kiss.
We’ve all seen that. I’m over that,” she said. “I want to turn this mother out. Get your tongue ready. I want one shoved some places it’s not supposed to be. I’m talking about you, Taylor Swift.”
She also chided multiple VMA winner Gaga a couple of times, talking about her fashion choices in music videos.
“I’m taking this job very, very seriously tonight. I did my homework and I watched all the videos. The one thing I discovered is that Lady Gaga and Beyoncé don’t like wearing pants,” she said. “Enough with the adult onesies.”
And as for last year’s much-talked about Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift moment?
Yep, she went there too.
“It’s time to address the big black elephant in the room,” she said.
“Where’s Kanye? If you are an artist and you’re accepting an award this evening and for some reason your speech is interrupted by a random person, I’ve developed a technique to nip it in the bud.”
Handler then called out a person dressed in red protection gear. She kneed him after pretending to be accepting an award and then being interrupted.
“My award,” she said, “my choice!”
The 27th annual MTV Video Music Awards are happening live, right now at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles! Keep it locked on MTVNews.com for the latest behind-the-scenes scoop, red-carpet interviews, photos, winner reactions and more.