Fantasia Barrino knew exactly what she was doing two weeks ago when she overdosed on aspirin and a sleep aid.
"I didn't have any fight in me," she says in a new "Behind the Music" premiering Tuesday night on VH1. "I didn't care about anything. I just wanted out. At that moment, I wanted out. I wanted it to be over with — all of it, all of that sh--."
She's referring to the drama surrounding her alleged relationship with a married man, Antwaun Cook. A week after Barrino's suicide attempt, a lawyer for Cook and his wife, Paula, said the season-three "American Idol" champ was not responsible for breaking up their marriage.
"He knew Fantasia Barrino, but the failure of his marriage can in no way be blamed on anyone except the two people that were a part of the union — Paula and Antwaun," lawyer Nicole Sodoma said of the Cooks, who have reportedly been separated for a year. Barrino's suicide attempt came about a week after Paula Cook filed documents in court alleging that Antwaun and Barrino began a "covert adulterous affair" in August 2009 and that the two made a sex tape, which she claimed led to the couple's divorce.
The "Behind the Music" episode includes a brand-new interview that was taped Saturday in which Barrino discusses the recent events.
"I just sat in the closet and looked at the mirror and took all the pills in the bottle. I wanted to go to sleep and just be at peace. I knew exactly what I was doing. You can't accidentally take a whole bottle of pills," she says on the show, according to People magazine.
Single mom Barrino, 26, who has already returned to the promotional trail for her third album, Back to Me, which hits stores Tuesday, explains on the show that she felt like suicide was her only escape from the adultery allegations, People reported.
"I was tired of people doing me wrong, constantly, over and over again, dealing with my family — my father, dealing with men and their sh-- — I was tired," she says. "My head was hurting me. I was over it."
She says during the special that when she met Cook, he was separated from his wife and not living at home and that he didn't want to get back with Paula. "I remember waking up in the hospital [and thinking], 'It didn't work. I'm still here in this hellhole,' " she says. " 'Still here with all this drama going on.' "
A nurse convinced the four-time Grammy nominee that she had not yet fulfilled her destiny and that she needed to walk out of the hospital on her own. "I realized how people end up in the grave," she says. "Because that one moment of just breaking or feeling like I can't, I can't go on, it's too heavy. That was somewhere I don't ever want to go again."