With Lauren’s impending exit looming over the remaining episodes of “The Hills,” producers are frantically trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible. The Memorial Day episode of “The Hills” juggled four plotlines and featured so many characters that I’m convinced the ghost of Robert Altman was hired as a writer/producer on the show.
Sure, Kelly Cutrone still hates Stephanie Pratt, and yes, Brody “just doesn’t give a f— about being friends with Audrina” in order to keep his Canadian Playmate she-beast girlfriend happy, and OK, Lo hasn’t had anything to do on the show in five seasons, but all anyone cares about is Lauren Conrad. And, thankfully, the crux of Monday’s “Hills” revolved around the Queen Bee and whether she’ll go to the Speidi wedding . (Pretend you haven’t read blogs or this site or tabloids, and suddenly the show becomes quite suspenseful!)
It’s really important to
producers Heidi that Lauren attends, so she enlists the ever-dependable* (*not at all dependable) Stephanie Pratt to do her dirty work. Obviously, Stephanie isn’t keen on broaching a touchy topic with the girl who just fired her, but as Heidi points out, “She can’t re-fire you.” Heidi’s right! Her contract’s up! If this were season three, you just know LC would have Stephanie erased from the show. Season five? She’ll just stare at Stephanie like she’s mentally handicapped.
And that’s pretty much how it went down. After discussing the proper way to wear a seatbelt (seriously), Stephanie tried to break Lauren down by asking her if she’s going to Heidi’s wedding 40 times in 30 seconds. “What do I have to do to convince you to go? You’re not gonna go, are you? Are you gonna go?”
Stephanie, if there’s one thing we’ve learned about Lauren over the years it’s that you can’t change her mind. If she hates Spencer, she hates Spencer with every fiber in her body. If she’s friends with Whitney, she’ll call her every day while Whitney moves to New York for her own spin-off show. Oh, wait … LC only called her once? Never mind.
The wedding pressure continued while LC and Stephanie went out with the “Hills” also-rans, Audrina and Lo. Lauren was shocked that Lo got an invite (a little too shocked, am I right? Wasn’t there a whiff of, “Wait … Lo got an invite? Hell to the no!”) but wouldn’t budge on her position. After Steph pleaded, “Lauren, we’re all gonna be there!” Lauren responded with “Maybe you’ll send me BBMs.” (For those of you with iPhones, BBM stands for “BlackBerry Message,” and not, as you might think, “Big Bowel Movement,” although the thought of the “Hills” girls mailing each other boxes of feces makes me oddly giddy.)
Steph waited until the perfect opportunity to break the news that Lauren wasn’t coming: while Heidi was trying on wedding dresses! Just wait till Spencer and Heidi have a baby (Dear Lord, help us). Stephanie will be all, “I think, like, Brody’s the father, you guys!” Anyway, Heidi won’t take no for an answer, so she pops on her finest heels and walks straight into the belly of the beast: People’s Revolution. (Side note/ fun fact: Did you know that the People’s Revolution office is located right next to a sex-toy shop? It’s true!) Lauren is completely shocked by Heidi’s drop-by, and by completely shocked I mean she was totally expecting it and even had a prepared speech to give to Heidi. “I remember being with Jason … and I remember being in that same situation where I felt like without him I would die. And I remember thinking, ‘Everything would be perfect if we could go to an island somewhere,’ but life isn’t an island. You have to have other people in your life.” Snap! LC not only compared Spencer to her racist ex-boyfriend, but she also inspired Heidi to go on “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” with all that island talk. All joking aside, the scene was honest-to-God touching, with Lauren begging Heidi not to lose herself completely in her relationship with Spencer and Heidi begging Lauren to complete her big day.
But a Heidi meeting wasn’t the only thing Lauren needed to convince her. The Man who Started It All, Spencer, had some things on his list he needed to cross off. Amid all the “book the florist, rent a tux, hire a stripper for the bachelor party, have sex with Stacie a couple more times” tasks, he had “apologize to LC” on his wedding to-do list. But he still needed some more convincing. That’s where his barfly buddy Charlie stepped in. (I knew that guy would have more to offer other than just goofy facial hair and lines like, “That was a juicy lime!”) It’s the first time we’ve seen Charlie in daylight and sober, and those two things served him well. Despite Spencer’s boneheaded “I will not apologize” declarations, Charlie talked some sense into him. “It’d be the right thing to do to just invite Lauren. Y’know, apologize to her.” All sentiments echoed later by Heidi while she was harping on the fact that Spencer had forgotten to return some DVDs to Netflix. (Side question: Do you think Spencer and Heidi rented the “Hills” DVDs? Nah, they probably own ‘em.)
And then it happened.
Monday’s episode concluded with a gasp-inducing phone apology from one Spencer Pratt to the Divine Lauren Conrad. “This is my first apology in about 24 years.” (Either Spencer’s pretending to be 24 years old — yeah right, 30-year-old — or Spencer refused to apologize until he was 6.) “You know what, Lauren, I am the most sorry ever in my life for spreading all those rumors about the sex tape and putting that out there …” STOP THE PRESSES! Producers actually allowed Spencer to acknowledge the sex-tape scandal on “The Hills”? What’s next? Will we actually meet Lauren’s real-life boyfriend?! My mind is blown.
Whether or not Lauren attends the Speidi wedding is TBD* (*duh, she totally goes), but damned if it’s not ridiculously satisfying television. We’ll find out how all this ends Sunday night at 8 p.m. on the one-hour (?!) season finale of “The Hills,” followed by the MTV Movie Awards at 9 p.m.!
What did you think of Monday night’s “Hills”? Were you shocked by the Spencer apology? How do you think producers are going to handle Lauren’s departure in the finale? Do you think Kelly Cutrone deserves her own spin-off show? (I do!) And how much do you love Stephanie Pratt? (And I’m not just saying that because she recently left a wall post on my Facebook telling me how much she loved “Detox.”) Hit me up in the comments below!