Note to self: If I ever join a hair-gel-core band like the White Tie Affair and have the opportunity to guest-star on “The Hills,” run far, far away. The positive aspect of getting exposure on MTV’s biggest hit does not outweigh the negative of being edited to look like a complete and utter sleazebag.
After “working” on the music video set of the White Tie Affair’s latest track, “Generic Dance Rock Pop Song Sure to be Featured on a Future ’Hills’ Episode During a Montage of Walking Shoe Close-Ups,” Audrina and Stephanie went out on a double date with the band’s guitarist, Perez Hilton Sean, and singer, Tiny Skinny Jeans Chris. It didn’t take long before Stephanie smelled something fishy. Here’s how the conversation went. My translation is in parenthesis.
Sean: What’s your story? (So, do you have a boyfriend or are you easy?)
Steph: I’m, like, kinda dating, but that’s it. What about you? (Well, the producers set me up with this dude Robert, and although I like saying his name in funny accents, it’s not that serious. You?)
Sean: Yeah, that’s the thing too. That’s why it’s hard being on the road. I got something pretty solid at home, you know? (Pity me. I’m so lonely. My heart is broken because I had to leave my girlfriend back home. So … you wanna do it in the bathroom or in my rental car?)
Steph: Girlfriend? (You creep!)
Sean: Something like that. It’s tough being on the road. (I wouldn’t go so far as to call her a girlfriend. More like a girl who I happen to have intercourse with. Have I mentioned how lonely I am on the road? How ’bout you just service me under the table?)
Steph: Like, she lives with you? (I am so not letting this go. CREEP!)
Sean: We got a situation. Yeah, something like that. (When you say “lives with you,” yes, technically she lives in my apartment. But I swear we’re just roommates who hook up. Nothing serious. How ’bout I touch your boob?)
Steph: That’s crazy. (I want to vomit right now.)
Sean: Lot of … lot of temptation. (OK, so I have a girlfriend at home, but you are so hot I’d be willing to cheat on her with you. Doesn’t that turn you on?)
Steph: You should zip your mouth up. You’re kind of a flirt. (You make my brother look like Prince Charming. Your girlfriend is so going to dump your ass when she sees this!)
Points to Stephanie for getting the hell out of there like it was her internship at People’s Revolution. Speaking of which, Lauren followed through with Kelly Cutrone’s wish to have Stephanie’s internship exterminated. The firing was fairly uneventful, save for Stephanie bursting into tears.
Lauren felt guilty about the firing and later told Lo, “I don’t know that I’ve ever made somebody cry before.” You know that earthquake that just hit Los Angeles? The cause was Lauren’s epic lie.
Stephanie, meanwhile, ran into Heidi’s arms. “Lauren fired me. Kelly is, like, sadistic! Like some sick, like, game, like, to have your friend fire you?” Actually, Kelly is known for her sadistic games. In fact, the Jigsaw character from the “Saw” films was based on Ms. Cutrone. Stephanie’s lucky she didn’t get that whole “foot hacksaw” termination.
Aside from consoling Stephanie, Heidi had a busy schedule this episode. Her birth dad, Cowboy Bill Montag, was visiting from the Wild West to give Spencer a piece of his mind. Heidi warned Spencer that Cowboy Bill wouldn’t deal with the typical Spencer shtick. “He’s a really cowboy manly man. He’s a real-deal cowboy. I would be shocked if he came out here without his gun.”
Heidi wasn’t lying. Cowboy Bill was, in fact, a real-deal cowboy. He showed up to brunch wearing a cowboy hat, a handlebar mustache and everything else out of the “How to Look Exactly Like Sam Elliott” kit. Cowboy Bill wasn’t too keen on their elopement, but Spencer won over his future father-in-law by telling him the story of the Cameron beat-down from earlier this season. “I massaged his face a little bit … lightly.” Papa Montag muttered something about the Code of the West and that Spencer would fit right in.
Later, Cowboy Bill and Spencer went to the Santa Monica pier to chat about Spencer’s intentions and whatnot. (Earlier, the cowboy expressed interest in killing rattlesnakes, so Spencer took him to a tourist hot spot.) In the end, Cowboy Bill ended up being a likable dude who gave Spencer his blessing, but not before mentioning his gun at least 45 times. We get it, Cowboy.
With Papa Montag’s approval, Spencer knew it was time to pop the big question … again. And in typical Spencer fashion, he picked a perfect proposal scenario for a girl who’s afraid of heights: a big Ferris wheel! (When I proposed to my wife, I took her to a tarantula farm. It’s best to keep your love interest on her toes when you’re going to propose.) When the “M” word popped up, Heidi laid out all the plot points for the remaining episodes of the season. “You need to apologize to my mom first. And you need to talk to Lauren and figure out something there. And I want a big wedding.” Thanks, Heidi. Now we don’t have to watch the rest of the show!
Spencer agreed to follow through on all those plot points, but all that went out the window once he whipped out a ring the size of the greater Los Angeles area. “Heidi, will you marry me?”
“With this ring, YES! This makes up for a lot!” Heidi squealed. (The moral of the story, kids? You can treat your girlfriend like a $2 hooker 99.99 percent of the time, and as long as you pony up 15 karats, she’ll forgive you.) The future Mrs. Pratt ended her acceptance by firmly saying, “Till death do us part, not divorce do us part.”
So, Spencer, it looks like you’ll have to murder Heidi if you want to get out of the marriage. I guess we have that to look forward to in season 15 of “The Hills.”
Don’t miss the next episode of “The Hills,” airing Monday at 10 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.