On ‘The Hills,’ Heidi Takes Care Of Spencer’s Stacie Problem

Plus: Lo gets a job, Audrina breaks up with Justin Bobby, and Lauren has to fire Stephanie.

The theme of Monday night’s “Hills” was employment! Characters worked! Characters were about to be fired! And characters visited other characters at their place of employment to call them home-wreckers!

And we wonder why the economy is exploding.

First up, the Jan Brady of “The Hills”: Lo. The also-ran scored a new job with “The Big Cheese,” a.k.a. Smashbox Cosmetics. And wouldn’t you know it? Lauren’s employer, People’s Revolution, is working on a photo shoot for Smashbox. And wouldn’t you know it again? LC was chosen to be the stylist at that shoot, and it’s her first time being the sole stylist! Funny how those things work out in life, right?!

But — conflict! — Lauren had to run to the store and left Stephanie at People’s Rev to take care of packing all the clothes for the photo shoot. Anyone with half a brain and a TiVo Season Pass to “The Hills” (which we know Lauren Conrad has) knows that this is about as good an idea as making “Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.”

We now interrupt this recap with a pop quiz. Would you ever trust somebody with your job who:

A) Announces that she is going to “stop stressing about work to go on a manhunt”?
B) Has to remind herself to work by pointing to her brain and saying “work, work, work, work, work”?
C) Gets distracted by wind?
D) Admits they’re scared of the boss because she wants the workplace to be “all, like, professional”?

LC answered the quiz with her actions, folks, and her choice was: E) All of the above.

Obviously, Stephanie effed up the menial task. She was too busy gabbing with her new honey, the multi-named Robert/Roberto, or grooving to her ringtone. But when LC called Stephanie to correct the problem, Steph was on her lunch break with her beau. Meh. Forget Robert/Roberto. From now on, I will call him Roberto Benigni.

Spoiler alert: Word gets back to Kelly Cutrone, and she’s as mad as you’d expect her to be. When finding out that Steph stepped out for lunch, Cutrone sniffed, “I haven’t had a lunch break in five years!” (Kelly’s a smart reality-TV character. She knows that if she stopped to eat, there’s a good chance that she’d be too busy chewing food to chew scenery for the cameras.) The Scary Stepmother on “The Hills” basically told Lauren that she has to fire Steph by the end of the week. Although at People’s Revolution, the elimination process is a little intense. “Just do it quick. Think guillotine. Clean.” Sheesh, when MTV News fires interns, we just ask them to not steal any Post-Its on their way out.

Stephanie’s not the only one taking personal calls at work. In the middle of a promo concert of a band called the Script (oh, the irony!), Audrina picked up her phone and talked to Justin, the ex she’s been weaning herself off of. Anyone else notice that all the dialogue around Justin makes it sound like Audrina’s a drug addict? In the opening scene, Lauren got all intervention on us. “I’m proud of you. It’s been awhile. I mean, like, are you happier now?” Out of context, it sounds like Audrina should open every episode by saying, “My name is Audrina, and I’m a Justin-holic.” Somebody get that girl a sobriety chip!

In any case, Audrina the Addict falls off the wagon and has an awkward dinner with Justin. But don’t call Dr. Drew from “Celebrity Rehab” just yet, because Audrina’s only there to break up with him for good. “I can’t do this anymore. Don’t call me, don’t text me, it’s over.” But Audrina’s guillotine-style breakup was no match for Justin Bobby, who acted like a chicken with his head cut off. “What about you spending the night in Brody’s room? If I spent the night in Lauren’s room like you did with Brody, you would freak out!” And then Audrina called him a liar (which, um, Audrina, we all saw you spend the night with Brody, so you might want to rethink that comeback), and then she ran off to talk to Stephanie’s headband, who is awfully suspicious of Audrina’s “we broke up” proclamations.

“If you go back to Justin like you always do,” Stephanie’s headband started, but Audrina swore she’s in a new place: “I look at him and see all the bad things he’s done. Karma’s a betch.” I don’t know that I’d categorize hooking up with a dude behind Justin Bobby’s back as “karma.” Perhaps you meant to say, “Payback’s a betch”? Regardless, I’m just happy you said a complete thought without using the word “seriously.” Baby steps! Golf clap.

And finally, in Speidi Land, Stacie the Bartender aimed her promiscuous texts toward Heidi and asked the star to stop by the Dime to have yet another showdown. Third time’s a charm for the fightin’ ladies, because this time Stacie and Heidi delivered the producers’ talking points succinctly and efficiently.

Heidi: “I think you’re a home-wrecker. I think you’re rude. I think you’re a slut.”
Stacie: “You’re crazy. I feel bad for you. Your boyfriends a di–, and good luck!”

Later, Spencer flipped when Heidi told him that “she took care of that,” meaning the Stacie situation. And just as I was about to write a Mafia joke, Spencer beat me to it. “OK, Tony Soprano.” I gotta give him props. Spencer would make a killer writer on “Detox.” Heidi was furious that Spencer’s “breakup” with Stacie wasn’t working, to which he retorted, “What do you want me to do, kill the girl?” (Now that would be an insane plot point. Perhaps there could be a “Phone”/”Hills” cross-promotion show?) And as if Heidi couldn’t get any more gangsta, she finished their argument with, “I just dare you to find another Stacie, and just wait till you see what happens with that. OK?”

Sheesh! Between Heidi’s threats and vague “take care of this and that” talk and Lauren’s directions to decapitate Stephanie, we’re in for one bloody finale.

Get the popcorn ready!