New Year’s Resolutions Of The Stars (Not Really), In Bigger Than The Sound

Britney Spears eyes a new 'comeback,' Lil Wayne promises consciousness and more fictional 2009 plans.

New Year’s resolutions are meant to be broken. I think I’ve busted about 13 of them already, and 2009 is just seven days old (damn you, GamblersPalace.com!). Still, that doesn’t stop everyone from making them — stars included.

So, in order to make you feel a little less upset about blowing off the gym this week (and every week for the remainder of the year), I dug through my MTV Rolodex and contacted some of the biggest names in music and popular culture to see what their resolutions were. Some of the responses I got seemed a little odd — I’m looking at you, Britney — while others were downright refreshing in their honesty. (Of course, all of them are completely fictional, but don’t let that distract you.)

The point is, these stars are daring to dream big in 2009, regardless of how much it will hurt when they fail. So grab that fourth slice of leftover fruitcake. Polish off that bottle of champagne. Pledge to be guilt-free in 2009. Because after reading some of the resolutions below, there’s no way you’ll ever feel sorry for yourself again. Happy New Year, indeed.

[artist id="501686"]Britney Spears[/artist]
“In 2009, I plan to undergo another very public meltdown, and recover just in time to release a career-reinventing album that will feature contributions from Timbaland, Goldfrapp, Swedish duo the Knife and Robyn producers Teddybears, which will then make me a critics’ darling. Either that, or Cheeto therapy.”

[artist id="510062"]Lil Wayne[/artist]
“This year, I hope to be aware of my surroundings at least 50 percent of the time. Or at least conscious.”

[artist id="2400155"]Aubrey O’Day[/artist]
“I promise to pose for Playboy, give raunchy interviews about my sexual proclivities , release a solo album and generally become one of the biggest pop stars in the world.”

[artist id="2400155"]The Remaining Members of Danity Kane[/artist]
“We promise to deliver your pizza within 30 minutes, or it’s free.”

[artist id="1230523"]Kanye West[/artist]
“In 2009, I will release an entire album on which I Auto-Tune my already Auto-Tuned vocals, thereby completely negating the presence of vocals altogether. So basically I’m going to release an instrumental album that will be hated by some and hailed as brilliant by others.”

[artist id="1998098"]T-Pain[/artist]
“I will sue Kanye West for $900 bazillion if he does this.”

[artist id="2088128"]Joe Jonas[/artist]
“I plan on continuing to date girls way out of my league, eye-brow-wise, at least.”

[artist id="2034673"]Bill Kaulitz[/artist]
“In 2009, I will finally accomplish two of my biggest goals: blotting out the sun with my hair and morphing into Sonic the Hedgehog.”

[artist id="1235716"]Pete Wentz[/artist]
“I will attempt to remind people that I am still in a rock band by periodically releasing albums in between hosting TV shows, designing clothing, opening bars, appearing in tabloids and making babies.”

[artist id="1236911"]Beyoncé[/artist]
“I plan on finally listening to the tiny demons in my head.”

[artist id="1962774"]Katy Perry[/artist]
“In ’09, I’m going to simultaneously offend every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth — regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation — when I release my new single, ‘I Kissed Osama Bin Laden.’ ”

[artist id="1322928"]Axl Rose[/artist]
“I will continue to believe that Chinese Democracy was not an unmitigated disaster but, rather, a massive success, despite mounting evidence to the contrary. This is the same technique George W. Bush uses to sleep at night.”

Heidi Montag
“I will continue to be a terrible person.”

Spencer Pratt
“Me too.”

[artist id="976"]Mariah Carey[/artist]
“I’m going to remain invisible for the next 12 months.”

[artist id="710356"]Ben Gibbard[/artist]
“I will carry my title of ‘The Luckiest Man Alive’ into 2009 and will begin a lucrative career giving motivational speeches to doughy white guys around the world.”

[artist id="860639"]50 Cent[/artist]
“I resolve to continue using beefs as thinly veiled attempts to promote product, star in films that no one sees and remain blissfully unaware that the game is slowly passing me by. Also, I will finally kill James Montgomery for all the sh– he’s written about me.”

Questions? Concerns? Hit me up at BTTS@MTVStaff.com.