T-Pain and MTV News correspondent Tim Kash are a pairing so odd, they make Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker look like twins. Heck, they make “Twins” stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito look like twins.
Imagine the surprised look on Kash’s face when he was given the assignment of interviewing the white-hot R&B melody maven as Pain looked for the perfect vehicle for his big arrival at this Sunday’s MTV
Video Music Awards. The task only got stranger when Kash was told to meet Pain at Spalding Mortuary.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Kash said, seconds after pulling up in a Cadillac Escalade. Not long after, Pain showed up wearing one of his 300 top hats — a red one with psychedelic patterns — and a T-shirt decorated with random celebrity faces ranging from Patrick Ewing to Don Mattingly to Rosie Perez. Pain informed Kash they didn’t have to travel far to scope out the first of three possible vehicle choices. Out came a hearse from the garage.
“I’m coming to the VMAs. Everybody is doing the same thing,” Pain explained. “I need to get my differ-rench-ee-ality on. I got to make sure I come correct. Correct!
“I gotta find something that’s really gonna have me looking correct,” he continued. “Everybody is pulling up in the same kinda car. I figure, why not come to my spot?”
“A hearse?” Kash asked.
“Possibly,” Pain answered. “It’s so sweet, though! It’s huwwwwd. [Hip-hop editor’s note: That means really hard. Hard to the 10th power.] I’mma keep the coffin in the back. I’m pimpin’ in this. I’mma see if I could put the flags on it. I might drive. Everybody is getting dropped off. I’mma get out on the driver’s side.”
Pain actually owns a pimped-out hearse that he says has speakers in a coffin in the back.
The hit master’s next choice seemed to be his favorite: a cherry-red Smart car. It’s fuel-efficient and has flava. T-Pain was informed that the car has colored plates that can be swapped at any time to match his many flamboyant outfits.
“That would be awesome,” he laughed before climbing in. His large Mad Hatter-like headwear stuck out of the sunroof.
“Ppppppppp-piiiiiimpin’! My Smart car!” Pain yelled proudly. He urged a member of his entourage, who was easily over 6-foot-5, to ride around the block in the small two-seater.
“Are you serious?” his friend replied. “I’ll look like Dino from ’The Flintstones’!”
“It’s safe. I’m saving humanities with this,” Pain later explained of why the Smart car made his short list. “It’s green. It’s really red, but it’s green and red at the same time. I’m saving the whales. We’re saving the Earth. The pandas, the monkeys.”
Last but not least, Pain threw a low-rider bike into the mix. It was golden, just like his grills, with an extra tire and rad chains.
“Everybody’s cool until I pull up on anything,” Teddy cautioned, implying that his swagger would overshadow Sunday’s proceedings.
“This is all elbow grease, or knee grease,” he added, doing circles on the bike. “I ain’t got to spend money on gas or nothing. I just keep it pushin’.”
He had his own way to attract the ladies while riding.
“You just do this,” he said, honking one of the bike’s rubber horns. “You do both of them for surround sound.”
Keepin’ it pushin’ and keepin’ it pimpin’, T-Pain is ready to show the world how playa he can make the scene. But you’ll have to tune in on Sunday to see what he finally chose. Let’s just say he’ll be riding high.