Dear Diddy: 10 Things I Wish I Would’ve Said To You On ‘FNMTV,’ In Bigger Than The Sound

Producer bum-rushed the 'FN' panel after the premiere of Donnie Klang's new video.

On The Record: This One Might End Badly For Me

Dear Diddy,

Hi. How are you? How are things at Bad Boy Manor? Is Fonzworth sunning himself on the south lawn? Has Mase stopped in for a visit? I bet the rhododendrons he planted around the helipad look lovely this time of year. Me? Oh, I’m fine. Same old, same old, you know. But hey, listen: If you’ve got a second, there’s something I want to talk to you about.

See, last Friday on “FNMTV,” you were sort of a jerk to me. You remember … right after we had just premiered Donnie Klang’s new video, when you bum-rushed the panel just as I was about to speak, started glaring at me and calling me a hater? But also after that, when I finally managed to sneak in a few words about the video, and you shouted, “Who are you?!? How many hit records do you have?” at me, before dismissively turning your back and storming off? Yeah, that sort of hurt my feelings.

And yes, while you did have a point — I don’t have any hit records (something I managed to croak out while you were shouting) — you didn’t have to be so mean about it. Basically, you acted like a gigantic bully on cable television, and you made me look like a chump in the process. And no, it doesn’t matter that you kissed me on the cheek immediately afterward, though I certainly appreciate the sentiment.

Of course, while all this was happening, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to you — which is generally the way these things tend to go. But in the days since “FN” aired, a steady torrent of stinging comebacks has surged through my brain, and while no good can possibly come of it, I feel that I need to express some of them here.

I hope you don’t take any of the following personally. Though if you do, perhaps you can take solace in the fact that I was neither clever nor brave enough to say any of it to your face.

Anyway, here are 10 things I wish I would’ve said to you on “FNMTV.” Thanks for listening, and hopefully we’ll see each other soon (or, depending on your reaction to this column, hopefully not).

· “Back in college, when me and my roommates would get hammered and rap along to ‘Victory,’ I’d yell to no one in particular that ‘this was one of the 10 greatest hip-hop songs of all time,’ while clutching a quart of Mickey’s Ice in one hand and a half-eaten Totino’s Party Pizza in the other. Well, just so you know, here’s a partial list of other things I thought were pretty great back then: drunk driving, self-immolation, ramen noodles, the WWF, Phish’s Billy Breathes and the career prospects of Florida Gators QB Jesse Palmer (a.k.a. the guy who ended up on ‘The Bachelor’).”

· “When you go to eat at a Stuckey’s family restaurant, and one of the girls from Dream is your server, do you tip her 20 percent or just the standard 15?” (In five years this joke will also be applicable to any of the girls in Danity Kane.)

· “I totally stole a copy of No Way Out from the Blockbuster Video I was working at in Longwood, Florida, back in 1997. So there.

· ” ‘Carlito’s Way: Rise to Power’ is perhaps the finest direct-to-DVD prequel to a substandard Brian de Palma/Al Pacino gangster flick that also stars Mario Van Peebles and that guy who played Maurice ‘TT’ Rodriguez in ‘Boogie Nights’ to be released this decade. Or at least in the past five years.”

· “How many lives were lost during your tragic ‘Vote or Die’ campaign in 2004? When will your savage thirst for blood be slaked?!?”

· “What have I ever done? What have you ever done, aside from, you know, launching a multimillion-dollar media empire, lording over a hugely successful clothing line, shaping the career of perhaps the greatest MC of all time, scoring a series of hits as both a producer and a solo artist, and running in the New York City Marathon on a whim?!? Actually, wait … never mind.”

· “Your skin is way smoother than I would’ve imagined, given the amount of times I have seen your Proactiv commercial.”

· “In tons, how many magick talismans/ ancient tomes/ Aleister Crowley artifacts did it take to convince Jimmy Page to appear in the video for that god-awful song you did on the ‘Godzilla’ soundtrack?”

· “Did you know that the average American is blessed with a blissfully short memory and yet a seemingly endless appetite for nostalgia, so much so that he or she is willing to forgive most transgressions and forego all pretenses of taste in exchange for a song that will sound excellent in very large speakers or at the beach? Are you aware that most of us are doddering sods, brainless infants who prefer things big and loud and shiny and equate aesthetic excess with true happiness? Do you realize there’s a sucker born every minute? Did I just let the cat out of the bag?”

· “Thank you for not beating me with a champagne bottle or a telephone receiver.”

Sincerely,
James

Questions? Concerns? Diddy? I’m at BTTS@MTVStaff.com.