He’s the world’s most pre-eminent archaeologist, but for millions of fans worldwide, Indiana Jones isn’t just a professor at Marshall College, he’s our teacher as well. In the 19 years since “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” hit theaters, we’ve had a lot of time to absorb his lessons.
So in honor of the release of his latest adventure, “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” we present the 19 most important things we’ve learned from watching Indiana Jones.
1. The Size of Your Rod Does Matter
If you listen to anyone telling you differently, you’re literally just seeing one side of the coin. Remember to take back one Kadan to honor the Hebrew God whose rod it is. By the way, this is as good a time as any to let readers know that I’m not allowed to make circumcision jokes on MTV.
2. Never Get Caught With a Sword in a Gunfight
Forget all your fancy maneuvers and impressive showmanship. The simplest solutions in life are often also the best. Sometimes, problems just aren’t as complicated as we make them out to be.
3. Anything Goes!
Giant boulders, restless tribes, poisoned darts, double crosses … as you travel through life, expect the unexpected.
4. Only the Penitent Man Will Pass
In the face of seemingly insurmountable challenges, remember to be humble and learn your own limitations. It’s OK to rely on a little luck and last-second inspiration.
5. Step Where He steps, and Don’t Touch Anything!
Life is full of booby traps. Find yourself in an unfamiliar environment? Try proceeding with caution, and if you can, bring a guide. There’s no need to leap when you can look …
6. Take a Leap of Faith
… Except when you have to. Not all life’s answers can be found in “The Chronicles of St. Anselm.” Your father wouldn’t steer you wrong — learn to trust in something bigger than yourself.
7. It’s OK to Be a Little Crazy
He no crazy, he nuts! And that’s OK too. When all else fails, and life has you cornered, do the one thing they least expect. Hey, what do you have to lose?
8. Know Your Competition
Think you can drink anyone under the table? It’s probably best you don’t try it against someone with their own family label. No matter how good you are at something, chances are there’s someone out there who’s better.
9. Don’t Play Poker With a Pickpocket
Of course, sometimes the competitions will be rigged. Look, no matter how cute he is, remember your enemy has an ace up his sleeve. Listen to us, and you’ll live longer.
10. Never Insult Your Host
This is more food than they’ve eaten in a week. When in Rome, sometimes you have to eat what the Romans eat, even if it’s chilled monkey brains. Don’t embarrass yourself. Do, and the next thing you know they’ve sent an assassin to your room.
11. Avoid Dark Tunnels
They contain snakes, rats and really, really large bugs. Trust us, take the long way around. That said …
12. It’s Always Gonna Be Snakes
Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes? ‘Cause life isn’t fair, that’s why. It’s going to test you, challenge you, push you past your limitations. Conquer your greatest fear — even if it means you have to call in a rope — and you can do anything.
13. Stay in School
You never know when a little knowledge is going to save your life. Remember: In the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an I.
14. Don’t Call Us Junior
What’s in a name? Only our identity, self-worth and life story — all wrapped up in a neat little appellation. Forget what Shakespeare said: A rose by any other name just wouldn’t smell as sweet. You call him Dr. Jones, lady, his professional name.
15. Let It Go
Sometimes our obsessions can get the better of us, make us forget who we are and why we’re here. Never put an object of desire above a friend or a family member. Know that the true value of material goods will never equal the value of a father’s love. Let it go.
16. Choose … Wisely
The quest for the Grail is the quest for the divine in all of us. Don’t be fooled by fancy jewels and sparkling diamonds — not all that glitters is gold. The most valuable things in life are often the ugliest, and most worn from use.
17. Your First Love Will Always Be the Strongest
Who else would you go all the way to Nepal for? Sure, you were both young and stupid, but remember how you felt when you first fell in love? Chances are, that’s as good as it’s gonna get. Someday, if you’re lucky, that special someone will walk back through the door.
18. Archeology Is the Quest for Truth, Not Fact
Yeah, we inverted Indiana’s statement to his students, but so does Indiana himself, in action if not words. Forget fortune and glory (and Dr. Tyree’s philosophy class right down the hall): The objects we choose to seek in life say more about who we are than what they are. Seek to be illuminated.
19. It’s Not the Years, It’s the Mileage
Life is just one adventure after another. It’s OK to be tired or broken-down if you’re caught up in the middle of it all. Don’t go to the grave with your odometer stuck at zero.
Check out everything we’ve got on “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”
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