How do you navigate one of the most packed cinematic summers of all time? Why, with MTV News, of course!
We called the biggest stars, tracked down the best sources and gazed into our crystal balls to bring you the definitive film schedule for summer 2007. So many movies, so little time. Good luck getting any sleep.
May 11: The zombie sequel “28 Weeks Later” and the Lindsay Lohan dramedy “Georgia Rule” are the big new releases.
May 13: But both get crushed by the second weekend of “Spider-Man 3,” which makes another $100 million. Sony Co-Chairman Amy Pascal congratulates cast and crew, saying, “Four or five more weekends like this and we might actually turn a profit.”
May 18: “Shrek the Third” bombs. It’s later discovered that kids no longer get the hip in-jokes the series is known for since they haven’t absorbed any new culture, having been inside watching the “Shrek 2″ DVD on continuous loop since 2004.
May 25: “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” a complex, sprawling conclusion to the previous two flicks, opens.
May 26: Fans flock to see “Pirates” a second time.
May 27: And a third. The movie breaks opening-week records.
May 28: After a fourth time seeing “Pirates,” fans agree they finally “get it.”
May 29: Freed from the burden of “having to understand what the bloody heck was going on,” fans line up to see “Pirates” a fifth time.
June 1: Adults rejoice with the release of “Mr. Brooks,” a thriller starring Kevin Costner, and “Knocked Up,” a hard-R comedy from “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” director Judd Apatow.
June 8: “Ocean’s Thirteen” learns that casting more stars really does guarantee more box-office bucks. Plus, panic ensues when it’s revealed that “Hostel: Part II,” a torture flick, and “Surf’s Up,” an animated penguin film, have been sent to theaters in mixed-up canisters.
June 9: Exit polling from opening-night viewers indicates that “Hostel: Part II” was “kinda lame,” while “Surf’s Up” was, “[sob] I want my mommy [sob].”
June 15: Despite gripes from comic fanboys, “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” takes the country by storm with its cheesy interpretation of the beloved characters.
June 22: “Evan Almighty,” starring Steve Carell as a man who has to build an ark to escape a new biblical flood, opens to stiff competition from a continued strong performance from “Fantastic Four.”
June 23: God, in the form of a giant cloud, smites the Silver Surfer. Purists are upset, however, claiming they prefer the “ultimate” version of God as a group of hive-minded robots.
June 27: “Live Free or Die Hard” opens to rave reviews and packed houses.
June 29: Released a month after “Shrek the Third” and a month before “The Simpsons Movie,” “Ratatouille” has a stranglehold on the family audience.
July 1: Forced to sit through “Ratatouille” upward of a dozen times each, parents of small children begin a letter-writing campaign to Pixar, asking that future films bring back the old Disney glory best evidenced in films like “Bambi,” in which, “like, the deer’s mom dies and stuff. I mean, what kid wants to watch that 10 times?”
July 4: “Transformers” steamrolls into multiplexes. Plus, Bruce Willis confesses to a group of reporters that with the success of the fourth “Die Hard,” a sequel is already in the works. The flick is tentatively titled “United We Stand, Divided We Die Hard.”
July 7: 7/7/07 — the so-called “luckiest day in history” — proves it is exactly that when “Transformers” producer Steven Spielberg finds a completed version of the flick without “those silly flames and lips on Optimus Prime.”
July 13: “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” opens, which fans of the series watch with Zapruder-like intensity for possible clues to book seven.
July 20: “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” starring Adam Sandler and Kevin James as two firemen who pretend to be gay, and “Hairspray,” a song-and-dance adaptation of a popular movie-turned-Broadway musical, both open in wide release.
July 27: “The Simpsons Movie” posts the best box-office numbers in history.
August 3: “The Bourne Ultimatum” comes out strong. Nobody has anything snarky or disrespectful to say about either the series or the flick’s main star, Matt Damon. You hear that? Nobody!
August 8: “Daddy Day Camp,” a sequel to “Daddy Day Care” starring Cuba Gooding Jr., hits theaters. Oscar nominee Eddie Murphy decided to sit this one out.
August 10: “Rush Hour 3″ and the graphic-novel-based “Stardust” open in theaters.
August 17: “The Invasion,” a remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, and “Superbad,” a coming-of-age comedy with Jonah Hill, hit theaters.
August 24: “The Comebacks,” a football comedy directed by Tom Brady, packs houses across New England.
August 25: Editorials in the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald chide 20th Century Fox, saying they should have been more clear that “Tom Brady wasn’t, you know, that Tom Brady.”
August 30: The summer officially ends. Everybody takes a nap.
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