Jessica Biel’s Dogs To Al Gore’s Jokes: What You May Have Missed At The Oscars

Couldn't watch Academy Awards from preshow to finish? It's all right here.

You can’t possibly catch everything on Oscar night, and that’s why MTV News has your back. We sidled up to the TV just as the red carpet was heating up, so take a look at what you might have missed on the night that never seemed to end.

6:28 p.m.: T minus two hours and two minutes to the show, E!’s Ryan Seacrest is going strong already, basically telling John Singleton he has no reason to be at the show. The “Boyz N the Hood” director seems to take it in stride. Then Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna appear in the same shot on the red carpet. I am reminded that they are, in fact, two distinct human beings (read “Kidman, J. Lo Show Up Starlets; Hudson Misses Mark On Oscar Red Carpet” and check out photos from the red carpet ).

6:38 p.m.: Al Gore just said he’d like William Hung to play him in a movie. The end is clearly at hand. Seacrest insists on singing “She Bangs” to the man who would be president. America cringes.

6:53 p.m.: So Jodie Foster, what happens if Martin Scorsese doesn’t win an Oscar tonight? “I’m eating a hat.” That would be entertaining. Suddenly my allegiance to Marty is in question (read “Marty’s Party: Scorsese, ‘Departed’ (And Effie Too) Get Oscar Gold” and check out photos from the show ).

6:54 p.m.: Seacrest has just turned the word “spa” into a verb — as in, “Penélope Cruz, did you spa today?”

6:56 p.m.: Rachel Weisz has just said her baby is “delicious.” There’s your exclusive: Weisz loves to eat children. You’ve been warned. Oh, and when she said she was wearing a Vera Wang dress, Seacrest said, “Lots of Wang here tonight.” Go on, giggle yourself silly.

6:57 p.m.: Jessica Biel is talking about her dogs, and I don’t really understand why. Seacrest gives a shout-out to Biel’s dog, Tina. Again, not really sure why.

6:59 p.m.: John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston are being interviewed. Travolta has apparently stolen Tom Hanks‘ “Da Vinci Code” hair. He says he’s rooting for Forest Whitaker tonight. Hmm. Clearly Travolta still feels Whitaker owes him one after getting him to appear in “Battlefield Earth.”

7:03 p.m.: Jennifer Hudson is shown a videotape message wishing her luck from Simon Cowell. I wonder if he also taped one for Helen Mirren.

7:10 p.m.: After looking unbelievably uncomfortable as he’s probed about what he’ll say if he wins tonight, Leonardo DiCaprio calls Seacrest “brother.” Obviously he’s frazzled.

7:12 p.m.: Seacrest surprises Djimon Hounsou with old footage of him from Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul videos. This is cruel and unusual.

7:27 p.m.: Seacrest opens up to Anne Hathaway, telling her that he cried watching “The Devil Wears Prada.” She blatantly laughs in his face. I have just decided I love Anne Hathaway.

7:35 p.m.: Gwyneth Paltrow reveals that her daughter, Apple, is watching the E! preshow. Suddenly I am questioning Chris Martin‘s parenting skills.

7:38 p.m.: Cate Blanchett: “I would die of shock if I won tonight.” For those keeping track, we now have Cate’s death and Jodie Foster potentially eating a hat on the line tonight.

8:14 p.m.: ABC has assumed red-carpet control, and really the only difference is the fun facts displayed at the bottom of the screen. For instance, perhaps you didn’t know Cameron Diaz‘s childhood nickname was Skeletor. Yeah, me neither.

8:30 p.m.: Here we go! The show begins. Why do I feel exhausted already?

8:40 p.m.: Ellen DeGeneres‘ relatively short monologue includes some gem suggestions to the nominees for their acceptance speeches: “Tell them you lived in your car. They love that.” Nice.

8:45 p.m.: Daniel Craig presents an award with Nicole Kidman. All I can think is that he looks like he can — and wants to — kick my butt.

8:48 p.m.: Every year, the Academy lures a poor, hot, young actress to host the geeky Science and Technical awards. Maggie Gyllenhaal gets the honor this year. Describing the event, she says, “It was a wild night.” She is a great actress.

8:53 p.m.: First true highlight of the evening: Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly kill it with a song lamenting the comedians’ role at the Oscars. I practically snort when Ferrell tells Ryan Gosling: “I’m going to break your hip now.”

9 p.m.: Precocious youngsters Abigail Breslin and Jaden Smith present an award for best animated short. Somewhere Dakota Fanning is pounding her little fist into a mirror.

9:11 p.m.: Hmm, there’s some kind of sound-effects choir performing. I don’t have to go to the bathroom, but I think I’m going to force myself to take a little break.

9:21 p.m.: Rachel Weisz presents the first major award of the night for best supporting actor. Nice cruel use of the split screen of all five nominees on the stage, Academy. Now everyone’s going to see the disappointed looks on the losers’ faces tonight!

9:22 p.m.: Speaking of disappointed looks, there’s one on Eddie Murphy‘s face. No partying all the time for Eddie tonight: Alan Arkin just won.

9:30 p.m.: Randy Newman and James Taylor emerge to sing a nominated song from “Cars,” furthering my theory that Newman is kept in stasis in a chamber at the Kodak Theatre for the Oscars every year.

9:35 p.m.: Gore buddies up with the greenest actor since Kermit: Leonardo DiCaprio.

9:45 p.m.: Say, remember when Ben Affleck had a personality?

9:55 p.m.: And the award for the most awkward throw to commercial goes to Chris Connelly with an assist from poor Tom Hanks. What’s coming up next, Tom, Chris asks. The two-time Oscar winner yells, “More fun!”

10:01 p.m.: I know showing off the nominated costumes live onstage sounded like a good idea at one point, but I just saw it executed — and it’s not. It’s so not a good idea.

10:10 p.m.: Nice moment. DeGeneres critiques Steven Spielberg‘s framing of an impromptu digital shot of her and Clint Eastwood in the audience. Clever.

10:29 p.m.: We have our second upset of the night! Germany’s “The Lives of Others” takes the Foreign Language award out of the grip of “Pan’s Labyrinth.” Better hope the Pale Man doesn’t hear about this. Hey, wait a second, the winner doesn’t even have an accent. What a crock.

10:33 p.m.: From a would-be “American Idol” to an Oscar winner — front-runner Jennifer Hudson did it after all. Amazing. We’re pretty sure Justin Guarini didn’t get any recognition for “From Justin to Kelly.” This almost makes up for it. Almost.

10:41 p.m.: I’m pretty sure Gael García Bernal just made a penis joke.

10:59 p.m.: Helping his longtime collaborator Ennio Morricone accept a lifetime-achievement award, Eastwood proves to be an expert Italian-to-English translator. First he makes a film in Japanese, and now this? The Man With no Name is a walking United Nations.

11:06 p.m.: Did the Oscar announcer really just introduce Hugh Jackman as “the Volverine” as he walked out with Penélope Cruz? I’m blaming longtime Hollywood Square and Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch for that one.

11:10 p.m.: Academy President Sid Ganis is given 60 seconds to give the usual boring Oscar spiel. Cute idea. Only problem? It’s about 45 seconds too long.

11:28 p.m.: Hudson might be celebrating alone tonight — no love for Murphy and now an upset in the best song category?!? Three nominations in the category for “Dreamgirls” can’t stop Melissa Etheridge from taking home the gold.

11:35 p.m.: I love director Michael Mann and all, but it’s late here on the East Coast, and I don’t need a montage. I need the big awards to be handed out and some shut-eye.

11:52 p.m.: How do I say this delicately? Philip Seymour Hoffman is a frickin’ mess.

11:54 p.m.: Helen Mirren wins! Well there’s something that surprises absolutely no one. Sorry, it’s getting late and I’m bitter. The show was scheduled to end 24 minutes ago.

12:01 a.m.: Whitaker wins — we’re fading.

12:06 a.m.: Would that we had the strength so we could stand with the crowd — Scorsese finally got his Oscar. I wonder what was more draining for him: waiting for decades for Oscar recognition or sitting through this ceremony?

12:13 a.m.: Diane Keaton screams “Ow!” and “The Departed” wins. The first part of that previous sentence was a lot more exciting than the second. Anyone ready to call it a night? What, it’s the morning? Whatever. Just turn the TV off. I love Oscar and all, but I’m ready to scream “Mercy!” as loud as Annie Hall was just yelping. See you next year.

The show’s over but the fun hasn’t stopped! Stick with MTVNews.com for the rest of the big winners and big moments from the show. From the awards ceremony to the star-studded afterparties, join MTV as we head backstage and hit the red carpets for Hollywood’s biggest night. Check out photos of the hottest Oscar action, watch exclusive celebrity interviews and read the latest buzz, all starting Sunday (February 25) on Movies.MTV.com.

Visit Movies on MTV.com for more from Hollywood, including news, reviews, interviews and more.

Want trailers? Visit the Trailer Park for the newest, scariest and funniest coming attractions anywhere.