You wanna talk ridiculous? The biggest winners at this Sunday’s Academy Awards might, in fact, be the night’s biggest losers. That’s because thanks to Distinctive Assets (and partners Wonderbra and Caesars Palace), all non-winning nominees will receive a gift bag worth more than $75,000 and climbing.
So what’s in the bag, and who’s going to want it? Here’s a sneak peek:
Marty, Marty — those black-rimmed glasses are so passé. Should you be looked over again this year, free LASIK surgery will open your eyes a little to what’s really important. Go ahead, give ’em the ol’ 20/20 stare down.
Eighth time not the charm, Peter O’Toole? Wipe that frown from your face (quite literally) with a gift certificate for a free Botox treatment, courtesy of Cheryl Bryant Bruce, M.D.
Your portrayal of a South African diamond smuggler not up to the Academy’s snuff, Leo? Dance your cares away off the coast of East Africa with a two-night stay in the West Maldives — Cia.Marítima will even throw in a bikini for rumored paramour Bar Refaeli.
Included gifts range from the decadent (couture gown from Mon Atelier, gold-plated citrus reamer from Ar+Cook) to the really decadent (three-night stay at Winvian spa, use of a private jet from aptly named Celebrity Jet).
Of course, there are some more proletarian objects in the bag as well. Should a nominee get hungry on the limo ride home, for instance — and how they got in a limo without an open bar in the first place is beyond us — well, they can snack on some 100 Calorie Packs from Hostess.
A look at the goodies by the numbers reveals even deeper truths about this one-of-a-kind bag. We toss in a few extra Oscar figures for kicks:
9,000,000: Approximate value of the bag in yen. …
823,222: … and in pesos.
30,000: Approximate number of dollars “Babel” nominees Rinko Kikuchi and Adriana Barraza will have to pay in American taxes, considering a recent IRS crackdown on celebrity gifts.
3,846: Pairs of Calvin Klein XT briefs Mark Wahlberg could buy for $75,000. Size XXL. (“You’re a star!”)
1996: Year “Romeo + Juliet” came out in theaters. 20th Century Fox’s contribution is a free copy of the DVD.
30: Number of Prada purses Meryl Streep could afford if she sold her bag.
18:1: Odds against Ryan Gosling winning Best Actor, according to Bodog.net.
17:1: Odds against him using the “Backlace” customized jewelry by Cheri.
14: Number of “regular” white diamonds — weighing approximately 4 carats — on a bra provided by Victoria’s Secret to all Best Actress nominees (the gift is not part of the Distinctive Assets bag).
12.8: Weight, in carats, of the pink diamond Djimon Hounsou would have to discover in order to trade up for a Distinctive Assets bag, which includes a bra set from Victoria’s Secret competitor Wonderbra.
11: Years before Abigail Breslin can legally drink the included booze, from Snow Queen Vodka and Santini Wines.
8: Years before she can gamble.
7: Times she’d have to win the Miss Teenage California Pageant — every year between now and when she becomes ineligible — to equal in scholarship money the cash she’d get for selling her Academy swag.
6: Minutes it takes to get from the Kodak Theatre to the nearest Target (corner of Santa Monica and La Brea), where nominees could have purchased products similar to ones in the gift bag including a shower filter (Aquasana), lip gloss (Balmshell), flip-flops (Havaianas) and soda (Celsius, billed as the world’s first calorie-burning soda).
5: Years the real Julius Caesar reigned.
4: Days nominees can reign over the slot machines at Caesars Palace as part of their VIP package, which includes spa treatments, dinner for two, a shopping spree and tickets to Celine Dion.
3.40: Price of Altoids’ new chocolate-dipped mints, two tins of which are included in the bag.
2: Pet-themed breath products in the bag — Smell Goodness, a breath mint for large dogs and a pet dental kit.
0: Chance that the nominees actually need any of this stuff.
∞: Number of people you’d kill to get your hands on it anyway.
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