Yeah, yeah, yeah — another new year is staring you in the face and you’re once again telling everybody that you’re going to quit smoking, lose 10 pounds and learn to play the glockenspiel.
Since we all know that none of that stuff is gonna happen, let’s instead make our New Year’s resolution to force resolutions upon famous people, and see if they can better themselves in 2007. Listed below are some well-meaning pledges aimed toward our favorite Hollywood personalities and institutions — and we hope they’ll listen, because then we could make our own resolution something realistic: seeing more movies in 2007.
50 Cent: Pledge to do a full-on action film. It’s time.
Julia Roberts: You are still a movie star, right? How about a pledge to actually make a movie, then?
Michael Bay: We know you’ve worked the phrase “More than meets the eye” into an actor’s lines for next summer’s “Transformers” movie, which is awesome. Now, pledge to go out and get a tongue-in-cheek pop-culture band (Weezer? Gym Class Heroes?) to record a new version of the theme song.
Sylvester Stallone: You’re about to start making your fourth “Rambo” film and “Rocky Balboa” is back, so why not pledge to take things to the next level? Announce “Rocky vs. Rambo,” a “Freddy vs. Jason”-like flick that will allow the two characters to finally go toe-to-toe. Just figure out a way to get a boxing ring set up in an Iraq desert, and the script will write itself.
Hollywood: Are you still insisting on doing remakes? Pledge to bring back “Pete’s Dragon,” “The Phantom Tollbooth,” the “Thin Man” series — plus other nearly forgotten, flawed near-classics like “The Black Hole,” “The Rapture,” “Miracle Mile” and “The Last Starfighter.” Leave in-development classics like “The Wild Bunch” and “The Birds” alone — you’ll never even come close.
Steve Carell and Sacha Baron Cohen: Pledge to immediately fire anyone in your employ who tries to steer you toward “family-friendly” movies like “Doctor Dolittle” or “The Majestic” in the upcoming year. Be confident enough to simply grow as a comedian.
Brian De Palma: Pledge never to let yourself be billed on a movie poster again as “the Director of ’Scarface’ ” — that was 23 years ago! Does Spielberg hype his films as being “from the director of ’Jaws’ “?
Eugene Levy: Pledge to say no to a script every now and then. Moviegoers have supported you for years, but there’s only so many times we can get burned by “New York Minute,” “Cheaper by the Dozen 2,” “The Man” and umpteen-million straight-to-DVD “American Pie” sequels.
John Travolta: Remember how you used to be the king of comebacks? Well, how about a pledge to find that next “Pulp Fiction” script this year?
Meagan Good, Jordana Brewster and Josh Lucas: You’ve each been “the next big thing” for a half decade now. Pledge to become the “big thing” in 2007.
JoJo: After taking some big movie strides in 2006, could we hear you pledge one more time that you won’t be going Lindsay Lohan on us?
Mel Gibson: Pledge to retire. Seriously. Just take all your money and go away.
Tom Cruise: See Mel Gibson.
David Hasselhoff, Christopher Walken and Snoop Dogg: Pledge to stop taking roles that have you poking fun at your own image. Pick a good movie, be yourself and let the moviegoers find the humor in it if we want to.
Lindsay Lohan: With “Bobby” and “A Prairie Home Companion” you showed that you’re determined to use your Hollywood clout for good and not evil. Pledge to keep throwing away scripts for “Confessions of a Teenage Herbie Queen,” and then take your acting as seriously as you want your fans to take you.
Francis Ford Coppola: Can you please pledge to make your “On the Road” movie, already? You’ve been working on this thing for 39 years!
Brandon Routh: Pledge to hurry up and make a second, completely different movie — or risk battling the same closed-minded casting that hounded Christopher Reeve for decades.
Sharon Stone: No more “Basic Instinct” movies, please. And also, pledge that you won’t make sequels to … oh, that’s right, “Basic Instinct” is the only movie of yours that would even warrant ill-advised-sequel talk.
Justin Long: Your interviews are funnier than any movie you’ve been a part of — pledge to sit down and funnel that humor into a script for yourself to star in.
Steven Spielberg: Pledge to remember how to properly end a film. From “Artificial Intelligence: A.I.” to “The Terminal” to “Munich,” nearly a decade of your career has been marred by almost-brilliant films with clunky, indecisive conclusions. In a town where everyone loves you, it must be hard to find someone who’ll say “that doesn’t work,” but your 2007 goal should be to find some tough love and endings that are as powerful as your concepts.
Keanu Reeves: Pledge to find more scripts that cast you as a wide-eyed innocent in over your head (“The Matrix,” “Point Break,” the “Bill & Ted” movies), and admit that roles as well-informed architects (“The Lake House”), scientists (“Chain Reaction”) or saviors (the “Matrix” sequels) aren’t working.
Robert Redford and Paul Newman: Everyone says you’re the greatest buddy-movie co-stars of all time, and for good reason — so stop teasing us. Pledge to finally give us one more classic movie while you guys still can.
Harrison Ford: Pledge to stop being Hollywood’s grumpy old man, and embrace the rascal qualities that made you famous. Instead of “Indiana Jones 4,” get George Lucas to change his mind about “Star Wars” and make Episodes VII, VIII and IX. Get them set 30 years after “Return of the Jedi,” so Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and yourself can embrace your ages rather than run from them. Finally, talk Lucas into some kind of plot revolving around bounty hunters, the recruitment of young Jedi warriors and the tragic extinction of Jar Jar Binks and the Ewoks.
George Clooney, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt: Pledge to keep doing what you’re doing, but lay off the “Ocean’s” movies after this next one, OK?
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